Naked news

I told you a couple of months ago that in England I'm a resource on naked swimming. A lot of good it does me. I get a bunch of morons coming to Pillage Idiot through Google searches. I don't get any repeat readers, and all they get is disappointment. But they will get some advice from me: Guys, don't search for "naked swimming" on your computers at work.

So I've decided to encourage more useless hits by giving you the update on naked news. Via Fark, which is a true resource, I have three items:

First, we learn of a Spokane woman who thought she had a problem with her pipes in the basement, but it turned out it was a naked man in her basement who had a problem with his pipes.

The Associated Press

SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) - A plumbing problem at a Spokane home turned out to be a naked man. Police say a woman who thought she was having a problem with water pipes beneath the floor called the Water Department. Employees found the basement barricaded, and when they determined there was someone behind the door, they called police.

Police broke through the door, found the naked man and took him into custody. They searched the basement but found no clothing for the man. They also found that a pipe had been broken and repaired.

The 36-year-old was booked into jail for investigation of burglary.

I've heard this problem of strange naked men in basements causing problems with pipes is rampant in Washington State, whereas in Washington, D.C., we're still having problems with plumbers.

Our second story is somewhat different. First, it happened two years ago, but it's so good that the students at Cornell felt the need to tell it again, and second, in this case, the naked man was a hero.

On December 2, 2003, The Sun reported that a Cornell football player stopped a robbery in progress...while naked.

According to the article, written by Anne Ceccarini ’05, “At 1:30 a.m. on Nov. 6, Mike Stone ‘04 stepped out of the shower in his residence at 413 Dryden Rd. to find two men who had allegedly broken into his apartment. Stone, a six foot four inch 287 pound defensive lineman for the Cornell football team, dropped his towel and, naked, tackled one of the perpetrators on his front porch and held him until the police arrived.”

“There have been such a rash of crimes going around Collegetown,” Stone said. “Robberies happening constantly, and the fact that things have gotten to the point where people can just go into other people’s houses and start picking stuff out of the room without even thinking about it is scary, and something needs to be done about it.”

* * * * *
“Upon exiting his bathroom, Stone saw the suspects slinking out of the room of his roommate Tom Calahan ‘04. In their possession were Calahan’s laptop and 10 of Stone’s compact discs.”

“What the [bad word] are you doing?” Stone demanded. The perpetrators reluctantly replied, first in Spanish and then in English, “We are looking for Cindy.” When Stone responded, “Who the [same bad word] is Cindy?” the men ran for the door.

“Stone chased after them, dropping his towel in the process, and tackled one of the intruders in the door frame of the apartment. The two scuffled onto the outside porch. Stone shouted for assistance, and his neighbors called the police. Ithaca police arrested the two suspects and took them into custody. Both the computer and the compact discs were recovered.“

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to go chasing after every burglar because you never know if they’re armed or anything,” Stone said. “But I didn’t have a chance to think in that position because it is in my nature to be aggressive.”

Which is great. I want this guy to have my back.

The third and, for now, final installment is just a little, well, weird. But then, it's from Norway, and a Finn was involved.

A troublesome Finn who was arrested causing a disturbance on a Bergen bus on Wednesday turned out to be one of Norway's most annoying characters.

The man, who was arrested drunk and naked on a bus on Wednesday has apparently been fined 99 times and has yet to pay one.

If police are correct, the unruly Finn is known under five different identities, all of which have lengthy records of public disturbance, newspaper Bergens Tidende reports.

"He has received up to 99 fines. Just in Hordaland County police district he has been fined for a total of NOK 95,000 (USD 14,350). This is most likely a Norwegian record," police lawyer Rudolf Christophersen told the newspaper.

We learn more details about this Finn.

Police were called to the scene on Wednesday after receiving a panicky call from a bus driver reporting a naked, drunk and difficult Finn causing trouble on board. When the arrived on the scene the man was visibly drunk and wearing underpants.

According to police the Finn has a noticeable tendency to remove more and more clothing the higher his blood alcohol level gets.

The offender is a Finnish citizen and has previously been expelled and barred from Norway, but has always managed to return.

I have two important observations about this. One is that if he takes off his clothes at higher blood alcohol levels, he really should use a designated bus rider. Two is that "The Troublesome Finns" would be a good name for a rock band.