A few jokes

This is a rather slow week. In fact, you are one of two people who will visit Pillage Idiot today. You and that pervert who's searching for something about women and horses.

So I'll dispense with my usual profound analysis of important world events and will instead tell a few jokes. You may have heard some of them. I hope you haven't heard all of them. Feel free to add your own in the comments. (Please keep the language clean even if the jokes aren't clean.)

1. One of my all-time favorites is dedicated to my father's recovery, because he told it to me first.

Two old Jewish men are talking about their doctors. OJM1 says to OJM2: I found a great doctor to help me with my memory problems. He really worked wonders with me.

OJM2: What's his name?

OJM1: Uh . . . uh . . . well, do you know that flower?

OJM2: Yeah?

OJM1: The one that's red?

OJM2: Yeah?

OJM1: That has a long stem?

OJM2: Yeah?

OJM1: And has thorns?

OJM2: A rose?

OJM1: That's it!! (He turns and yells.) Rose, what's that doctor's name?

2. Speaking of my father, I've mentioned several times my father's struggle with cancer. Last month, my father didn't feel up to going to an appointment with his internist, and my mother, who has spent the year caring for my father, went to the appointment to ask some questions. At one point, the internist, who really hasn't been on the ball, responded to my mother: "Mrs. [Last Name], your husband is very sick. He's going to die." My mother said: "But Dr. L-----. . ." At which point, the internist interrupted: "Please. Call me Steven." We all laughed about this incident, even my mother, because it was so bizarre, with the doctor first being rather insensitive and then, out of nowhere, insisting that my mother call him by his first name. My sister said it reminded her of an episode of Get Smart. (Bonus points to anyone who can identify the episode.)

My brother's response to the incident was to tell the following joke:

A man goes to his doctor and gets the bad news. The doctor tells him, "You have a terminal illness." The man is horrified. "How long do I have to live?" The doctor says, "Ten." The man asks, "Ten? What do you mean? Ten weeks? Ten months?" And the doctor says: "Ten. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 . . . ."

3. An orthodox rabbi, a conservative rabbi, and a reform rabbi are discussing how they dealt with squirrel infestations at their synagogues. The orthodox rabbi says: "We told the squirrels it's absolutely forbidden to be here and we sent them away, but they came right back." The conservative rabbi says: "We held a dialogue with them and released them humanely in the woods, but they came right back." The reform rabbi says: "We gave them all bar mitzvahs, and they never came back."

4. In case I haven't offended anyone yet, here goes. What's the difference between a reform Jew and a Unitarian? The Unitarian doesn't have a Christmas tree.

5. Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter (this is not a Jewish joke, by the way) asks them each how they died. The first man says: "I was washing windows at an apartment building and I slipped and fell. Fortunately, I was able to grab onto the ledge of the sixth floor. But then, some idiot in the apartment started hitting me and suddenly a refrigerator came out of the window. I fell six floors and the refrigerator landed on top of me."

The second man says: "I was going on a business trip, but I suspected my wife of cheating on me. I finally couldn't bear it any longer, and I went back home to my apartment. When I entered the apartment, my wife was naked in bed. I demanded to know where her lover was, but she denied everything. I searched and searched the apartment and found no one. I was starting to apologize to my wife, when I noticed him outside the window holding onto the ledge. I tried to pry his fingers loose, but it didn't work. I hit him on his fingers, but it didn't work. Finally, I was so angry I threw the refrigerator out the window at him, but my belt caught on the door handle, and I went down with the refrigerator."

The third man says: "I have no idea how I died. I was hiding inside a refrigerator . . . "