Plastic surgery we can believe in

This is absolutely the best print ad of the year. Without a doubt, the best!

Assuming, of course, that you define "the best" as "the most shameless and outlandish (and therefore hilarious) effort to cash in on Obama's election."

The ad below appears in the Washington Post Sunday Magazine today. You can click for, uh, a larger image, but I'll quote the relevant text, which the ad places strategically on top of the woman's right breast:

The Ultimate You
With 2008 coming to a close, the main theme of the new year is change. President-Elect Barack Obama ran a successful campaign with the promise of change, and Americans seem ready to embrace it, despite an uncertain economy. With Americans becoming increasingly thriftier, and not spending as much money on themselves, you might think an amazing transformation with the help of plastic surgery is an unattainable luxury. However, watching your finances does not mean that you have to sacrifice your appearance. Many of our featured physicians have tailored some of their services toward affordability, as well as offering financing so that even in these shaky financial times you can still become the "Ultimate You" and feel fantastic about yourself.

The ad copy then discusses the clinic and actually continues on for another page, but this is all you need to see.





I've even created the appropriate poster for it.

Click here to read more . . .

When "bullet-resistant" bras are not enough

The Germans think they can protect their female law enforcement officers by buying "bullet-resistant bras," but we know better. (via HotAir) When you buy a watch that says it's "water-resistant," you don't wear it in the water. All that means is that if it gets rained on, you're OK. So even if your bra is "bullet-resistant," it's not "bullet-proof," and I wouldn't advise you to get shot in the chestal area. You'd better still carry that Bible in your pocket.

That being said, we do have anecdotal evidence that some bras can protect you from a bullet. And even if they're not bullet-proof, the bullet-resistant bras do look pretty cool, what with the word "Polizei" written on the underband. I'd definitely like to have that written on my own underwear.



Now, right about now, you're probably wondering whether the police chicks could pack some heat in those bras. I'm glad you asked. Here's an article from the BBC from 2001 that says:

An American inventor has designed the world's first - and so far only - combined brassiere and gun holster.

The underwear is designed to hold a .38 calibre snub-nose revolver, and also has room for a pepper spray.

If that's correct, it's hard to believe the bra has room for the woman herself. So call me a skeptic. But I'm willing to venture a guess what the Germans would call this device:

ein Pfefferspritzpistolentaschebüstenhalter

It's almost enough to make me want to invest.

Click here to read more . . .

Tuesday evening linkfest

Here are a few links I've been collecting:

1. You know you're having a bad day at the gym when the exercise machine shoots you out like a slingshot.

2. I had a visitor looking for information about flatulence in Beethoven's Second Symphony. (It's not as strange as it sounds; listen to the fourth movement.) So I followed his search link and discovered that it's really the choral movement of the Ninth that's flatulent. So says an op-ed in the NY Times from last December. I'm serious. Check it out.

3. In light of that, scientists have strapped plastic bags to Beethoven's back to measure the effect of his flatulence on global warming. Sorry, it's Argentinian cows who have to suffer this indignity. Photo at link. (Hat tip: fee simple)

4. The headline says it all: "Gummy Bears That Fight Plaque" (via HotAir)

5. The Snickers ad: How to be retro and edgy at the same time.

6. As a follow-up to my post from last September on the same subject and the same "scientist," I'm giving you this article on "breast biomechanics." (via Ace)

7. The Maryland Death Penalty Abolition Dog And Pony Show (MDPADAPS) is now underway. I'm on the edge of my seat wondering what the commission's conclusion will be.

8. Soccer Dad deals with Obamoid stupidity so you don't have to. Or is "stupidity" the new "uppity"?

9. If the carnivores can do it, so can the vegetarians. A veggie "hot dog" eating contest, I mean. Except for the fact that Tofurky sucks major eggs. And don't neglect to click to read the waiver required of participants. (On The Red Line)

10. Mark Newgent takes on more left-wing economic idiocy. (See here for my own post from last week.)

11. Mightily pissed off (and more dubious language) because an editor removed the indefinite article formerly the penultimate word in his column. (via Three Sources)

Click here to read more . . .

Not enough and too much

Don't blame me for mentioning this plastic-surgery stuff. Blame ABC News (which assigned it to its "ABC News Medical Unit"). And Fark.

Before you click on the first link, read all the way through. Here's the key paragraph from the ABC News report:

"Every night I was taking three extra-strength Tylenol because my back was hurting so bad, and by the middle of the night I'd be sore again," she recalls. "I wasn't sleeping because I was hurting so badly. And in the morning I had to get two children together and get myself ready for work. And I'd get to work, and by two my back hurt so badly I could barely sit at my desk and work."

This is the way ABC News tries to make a serious story out of all of this. And I hope you'll excuse the gratuitous photo that ABC News has placed strategically near the top of the first page.

Oh, yeah, in order to get my flurry of Google hits, two words: Sheyla Hershey. They happen to be the first two words of the ABC News article, so it turns out even the big guys are trying to suck in traffic.

UPDATE: Oh, my! I just read this, and that last line is awful. I didn't mean it that way. Really. The big guys are folks like ABC News, and suck in traffic means writing about things that will pull in links and hits from search engines.

Click here to read more . . .

Traveling in pairs

One of the benefits of getting a ride home from the Metro earlier this week, instead of driving, as I usually do, is that I got to look around at what's happening around me. Sure, it's only Rockville Pike, a particularly hideous six-lane road that goes through Rockville, but still, it lets you can catch up on who's no longer in business, who's starting up, and so on.

You'll be happy to know that there's a new Hooters starting up along the Pike. But strangely enough, it's located only about a block south and across the street from the existing Hooters. To give you an idea of how close they are, here's a fragment of the map. The arrow represents the existing location (actually, the restaurant is set back from the road), and the X that I drew on the map represents the new location.


I forced myself to visit the Hooters website, and there's no indication that a second location exists in Rockville. Which I find puzzling.

In any event, you have to wonder about the strategy of locating two restaurants so close to each other. Unless the original site is closing and moving to the new site, this looks a lot like the Starbucks strategy, which is called "infill," defined thus: "adding stores in cities where its mermaid logo is already commonplace. In some cases, that means putting a Starbucks within a block of an existing store, if not closer."

Now, let your entrepreneurial imagination warm up for a minute. If you're thinking Starbucks and Hooters combined -- you know, coffee delivered by women in skimpy clothing -- forget about it. It's been done. It's called Cowgirls Espresso in Seattle. Go ahead. Click the link. It's to me, and I have the photo there.

So after all this, we're left to ponder two Hooters locations within, maybe, 200 yards of each other.

I think, though, that I have the answer. Remember the Woody Allen movie called "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex *But Were Afraid To Ask"? There's a sketch in the movie in which Woody is pursued by a giant breast, which is trapped in . . . you got it, a giant brassiere. (Fragment here.) After it's trapped, he says he's still worried, because "these things usually travel in pairs."

Just like Hooters.

Click here to read more . . .

That's an actual job description?

Headline: "Breast fondler keeps his job."

His excuse: "He later blamed stress and 'cultural differences' for his conduct, which spanned three-and-a-half years between 2001 and 2004."

Click here to read more . . .

Short linkfest

I have another post coming up tonight, so this is just a short linkfest.

1. Moses on drugs? Yeah, that Moses. Well, it sure explains a few things, like that red heifer stuff.

2. I'll leave this one to Ace: "Japanese Model Gets Off Due To Large Breasts." (That's the real headline of the news item, by the way, not just of Ace's post.) To encourage you to click through, let me say that, yes, there is a photo at Ace's, plus another at the link at Ace's post, plus a larger version of the latter at a link at the link. Follow that? I don't know anything about the Japanese legal system, but the idea that you can show off your breasts to prove you couldn't fit through a hole is bizarre. It reminds me of this video of a game of Japanese human Tetris.

3. Yes, Hillary did put the media in the men's room next to the urinals. The video proves it.

Click here to read more . . .

Super Tuesday linkfest

It's Super Tuesday today. So if you've come here to get informed political commentary, you'd better find another site right away.

But if you want a few interesting political links, try these:

1. Sean Hannity gets Frank Luntz to ask his focus group of Obama fans to name one specific accomplishment of Barack Obama. As the Fark line goes, hilarity ensues. Watch the video here. I swear one guy says Obama's a "great oratator."

2. In all the numerous bills of particulars that conservatives are posting against John McCain, the one I haven't seen yet is that, in the days when Cindy Sheehan was a big deal in the media, McCain met with her as if she were a respectable person. I did a photo comic at the time, which I think caught the essence of the encounter: "Cindy and John: He said, she said."

3. A Weekly Standard review (subscribers only) of a couple of books about the United States from Spain is illustrated with a photo of protesters in Madrid in 2001 when Bush visited the city. Sadly, it's not in the web version of the review. Take a look at the photo. Notice what the signs at the lower left and in the middle say? I'm famous. Sort of.



4. This amusing story of voting in the Republican primary in Brooklyn has the ring of truth to it.

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OK, that concludes the political part of the linkfest. On to other topics. First, sports.

5. You may have heard that the Super Bowl was played on Sunday. But have you heard of the Puppy Bowl? (hat tip: Mrs. Attila)

6. I know that more people read this site than Instapundit, Ace of Spades HQ, and Best of the Web Today combined, so I doubt you'll have seen this one before. First they came for dodgeball and I said nothing. Then they came for Intentional Flatulence, which by all rights should be an Olympic sport. This is nuts: If you force them to hold it in, they'll explode. (hat tip: Soccer Dad, but don't mention that to his kids) [UPDATE 2/6: Story is an exaggeration, apparently taken from a gag sheet prepared by eighth-grade girls. The true school newsletter says: "I just want to make sure parents know this actually is not an official ban or new school rule. Some eighth grade teachers did tell eighth graders that if they continue to disrupt class by intentionally farting, they will get a detention. There is truth to that. Intentional flatulence can be a disruption to class, and we already have rules addressing disruptive behavior." Is that clear?]

And now, other bodily functions.

7. Remote control to undo vasectomy? Surely, you jest:

A man would then use the handset, or fob, to open it around the time of having sex if he and his partner wanted to conceive.

Once the handset is pressed, it sends a coded radio signal through the skin to the implant, which contains a tiny antenna. The antenna picks up the signal and converts it into sound waves that "ripple" through the valve.

Since the valve itself is soft and flexible, the sound waves make it flap open - allowing sperm to pass through. As with cars, each device would have its own unique code so it could not be opened by anyone else.

"It's based on a radio signal, like the device on your key ring, which is coded so that you cannot open someone else's car," Professor Abbott says.

This was a "Dude" headline at HotAir. With good reason.

8. Today's headline of the day (via Fark): "Booze bra gives women a wine rack."

9. Leave it to the Brits: "THE minefield of lingerie shopping for lovers can be avoided this Valentine's Day with a new website which lets you visit a virtual dressing room and ask models to try on underwear." Nearly as good as the Tower of Boobel I wrote about two years ago.

Click here to read more . . .

Wednesday mini-linkfest

1. Headline of the day: "Police say woman pinned boyfriend to wall with buttocks" (via BOTWT)

2. Everything you always wanted to know about "natural" breast enhancement but were afraid to open those spam emails to read about. This is a real article from a real site (featured at MSN). The article is actually written by some chick named Martica Heaner, who claims to have some degrees at something or other. To give her some cred, I'll tell you she is quite a bit less than 100% behind the various techniques. And there are more of them, by the way, than I had ever realized. Exit question: Why did the husband write to Ms. Heaner, instead of the wife, if it's the wife who allegedly wanted enhanced breasts?

3. If you play baseball, you might actually be interested in a cup that will "protect your boys" which, in case you're wondering, does not mean your sons. But even if you don't play baseball, you might just be interested in watching some dude who used to be a pitcher in the majors take a fastball in the nuts (to demonstrate the toughness of the cup he sells). I got the video at HotAir, where I'm sending you to see it. Also, after you watch the video, don't forget to click through to the Nutty Buddy website (which speaks of protecting the boys) and to the Fox News video at the "Update" link.

Click here to read more . . .