Staggering around

While American college presidents call for a debate on lowering the drinking age back to 18, the Russians have changed their zero-tolerance laws on drunken driving:

According to news sources, as of last month, motorists in Russia will be allowed to have a small drink before taking the wheel. Previously, even one drink was a serious infraction of the law. This alteration is surprising, especially considering that Russia has one of world’s worst driving safety records. According to government figures, more than 33,000 Russians died in traffic accidents in 2007, and drunken driving caused at least 15,000 road accidents.

"One for the road," as the Inventorspot article puts it.

Next up: Russia changes its law to allow it to invade one neighboring country. (At a time.)

Also on the general subject of driving, I really liked this Mets car. A serious fan painted his car blue and orange, with decals and slogans on it. Click here for a larger photo. The only trouble with the car is that it runs out of gas by the seventh inning.

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More on highway game theory

A couple of years ago, I wrote about what I called "highway game theory." The question I posed was this:

Assume you have to comply with all traffic laws. You're on a highway with four lanes in each direction, and traffic is fairly heavy. You see a sign telling you that the two left lanes will be closed in 2000 feet. What's your best strategy to minimize the time you will be delayed? (Using the shoulder isn't a legal answer, because the traffic laws don't permit it.)

Let's call the four lanes 1, 2, 3, and 4, from left to right, where 1 and 2 are the left lanes that are going to be closed, and 3 and 4 are the two right lanes. Which lane or lanes do you drive in?

You can read my analysis at the link, along with an economic analysis from Three Sources in the update.

But now, the problem has made an appearance in an article in the New York Times Magazine, in which a native of northern California makes the astonishing discovery that some people try to use their best strategy on the highways. She calls these people "sidezoomers," as distinct from "lineuppers" like her. She despises sidezoomers.

I'm not really sympathetic, and I don't like the term "sidezoomer." I'm a strategizer, and I recognize there are also some total jerks on the roads. But there no moral principle that forces you to get in line way ahead of time.

And even her experts agree with me to an extent:

The experts drew schematics in my notebook for me. They asked me to envision rice pouring smoothly through a kitchen funnel. They pointed out, as a Virginia Tech computer-science professor named Chris Barrett put it, that “if you move over too soon, you have this big empty piece of real estate, which could absorb that many more cars.” And I would say, yes, but they still all have to squish into the same two-lane tunnel, right? And the experts would say yes, but what really botches the flow is the stop-and-go part — which is accentuated both by the guy hanging around up there trying to last-minute jam his way in and by the hostile party in the Subaru who won’t let him, thus prompting him to try again in front of the next car, whose driver brakes while deciding whether to go into high-, medium- or low-level snit, and so on.

I'll leave you with the names that another of her experts uses: cheaters and vigilantes. Cheating may not be desirable, but I'd say it's the vigilantes who create the bigger problem. As the highway cop she interviews puts it:

“It’s not a matter of fairness or unfairness,” Morgan said. “It’s a matter of there’s no violation, no one is being injured. Ergo, chill out. Enjoy life. You’re spending too much energy pounding the dashboard.”

Yes, indeed.

UPDATE (8/17): Here are the letters responding to Gorney's article. Don't miss the second one, making the political link.

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The car mileage Olympics

Maybe some of you recall the Shell Mileage Test commercials from, oh, about a couple of centuries ago?

There was another commercial I remember even better, in which the winning car (the one with Shell with Platformate) drove through a sheet marking where the car without Platformate had stopped.

With the current price of gas more than 10 times its price when these commercials ran, the whole subject of mileage is back at the fore. I have a mileage gauge on my 2006 Toyota Avalon, and I'll confess that it's somewhat affected my driving style. For example, I've taken to accelerating slowly and consistently from a stop; I use cruise control a lot, including the cool "laser cruise control" that adjusts your speed based on your distance from the guy in front of you; and I try to avoid unnecessary downshifting when I go up a hill (this is an automatic transmission, by the way). The car is rated something like 22/31 EPA, and I get about 18/31, which I think is pretty good. I pay a lot of attention to the mileage, but I'm not kooky about it.

So I have to tell you this story. A few weeks ago, we were having dinner at the house of a couple we're friends with. My friend -- call him "C" -- was poking fun at himself for being extremely concerned with the mileage gauge on his hybrid Camry to the point that he would turn off the air conditioning in the summer and leave the windows open even in scorching heat. C told us he also took an alternate route in his neighborhood to avoid a slight hill that might cut into his mileage. And on the highway, he'd get into the right lane and drive 55. We were all laughing about this, including C himself, because he realized it sounded silly. He doesn't do this so much to save the money. I mean, he's a serious lawyer at a serious law firm. It's more like he's playing a video game with the mileage gauge and trying to beat the top score. Mrs. C said at dinner that she was convinced that if the government required all cars to have mileage gauges, the guys of this country would all compete in an attempt to increase their mileage, and we'd save a lot of money on gas.

That was probably the funniest line of the evening. But I had to re-evaluate my reaction after having a conversation this weekend with another friend of mine -- call him "P." A few weeks ago, my daughter and I came up beside P and his son at a traffic light, and they waved to us. But within a few seconds after the light changed, P's car was nowhere to be seen. My daughter wasn't driving particularly fast, so we were baffled. I asked P about it this weekend, and he said, "I must have been driving the hybrid." And then he told me all the things he does to try to get the highest possible number on that mileage gauge. The punchline was that his son once drove home from out of town and got in late. P asked his son why he was late, and his son grumbled that he was "stuck behind some guy in a hybrid."

So if any of you drive a hybrid or otherwise have a gas mileage gauge on your dashboard, I'd like to hear from you. And even if you don't, what's your opinion of this business?

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On my 100th

You know, it's always a little traumatic to have a major birthday, and by major, I mean one that makes you suddenly a lot older than you were just a few days earlier.

The first major birthday I had was what we called the "QC" -- or quarter century. I was in law school at the time, and it didn't really bother me, because I had a few other things to worry about.

I've had one or two major birthdays since then, but I want you to know that when I turn 100 and Mrs. Attila is 99, my goal is to drive the wrong way down the highway, with her sitting next to me, because I've never done that before. As I always say, trying new things keeps you young. (Incidentally, the story says that the couple will "probably" be asked to turn in their licenses. Probably?)

And just to clarify my goal for a minute: I want to drive the wrong way down the highway after mooning someone in a restaurant so hard that I broke the glass and injured the part of my anatomy that rhymes with it. (In the story it was a 21-year-old, but anything he can do, I can do better.)

And in case you were wondering: My goal is to drive the wrong way down the highway after mooning someone in a restaurant on my get-away flight after robbing a convenience store while wearing thong underwear. Wearing it not on my "glass," mind you, but on my face. To disguise me.

Why is this my goal?

Because whenever the press talks to a centenarian, they always ask this question: To what do you attribute your long life? And I'm going to borrow a line from Admiral Hargrade, known as "the Admiral" on Get Smart.

When they ask me that question, I'm going to state firmly and without a second's hesitation: "Prunes!"

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Kicking the tires

Here's what's bothering Rashi:

When you return to the dealer after having taken a 3,800-mile test drive (some say 2,000 miles) in a Honda Accord, what do you say to the salesman? "I think I'll need the V6 engine, because the car was having a little trouble taking the hills"? "I liked it, but it has too many miles on it"?

I mean, how do you explain your five-day absence? "Really, I figured you probably didn't want to spend five days with me on the highway not stopping for the bathrooms"?

Because, of course, the only thing worse than being stuck with a guy who's taking a 3,800-mile test drive is being the customer stuck with the salesman for five days. By the end of the second day, you'd go totally nuts listening to pitches about options, car loan rates, extended warranties, and especially undercoating.

I suppose that could explain why this Australian dude didn't wait for the salesman to get in the car before patching out of the dealership.

Once Mr Luu was in the driving seat, the salesman knelt at his side to show him the instrumentation, then walked to the other side.

“As soon as the salesman stood up to get in the other side, the driver planted the foot and took off,” Ian McKenzie, the dealership's principal, said.

The salesman grappled with the door handle as the A$40,000 (£19,000) Honda Accord sedan lurched forward but the door had already been locked.

But the answer to my original question seems to be that you simply don't go back to the dealership. This Luu guy was arrested somewhere in the middle of Australia after having failed to pay for a tank of gas.

He said the man was arrested without incident at a road block on his way north to Darwin after he failed to pay for fuel at a hamlet.

So when he was at the hamlet, did he say to himself, "To pay or not to pay? That is the question?" Personally, I doubt it, but it really makes me wonder how long he could have eluded police if he'd simply paid for the gas.

They always say ("they" being your grandmother) that you should always wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident. Apparently, the same holds true if you take an extended test drive; it's always good to have a change of underwear in case you're arrested: "Mark Nash, acting senior-sergeant of Tennant Creek police, said that the man had packed belongings, including clothes and toiletries." Including a toothbrush.

Which is also a good thing to have with you in case you're going to jail.

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Do-it-yourself news story

Tonight, we're going to try to make a do-it-yourself news story.

1. Start out with a catchphrase for the story. Pick a short phrase that combines words that are funny and memorable together. Let's go with "flying bra." You can't get much better than that.

2. Next add a humorous premise for the story, like this: Some girl is in a car with three friends and decides to hoist her bra (we'll make it a red one, just for fun) up the car's antenna, and the wind lifts it off into the air. She claims she removed it because the family dog had chewed it earlier in the day and caused it to fray. But a witness says the girls were making gestures with their mouths and lifting their shirts at some men in the car behind.

3. Fold in an element that makes you not sure whether to laugh or feel awful: A couple of goobers in the car behind suddenly swerve to avoid hitting something that turns out to be a flying bra. They crash and are injured.

4. Bring in "the law": The girl who hoisted the bra is charged . . . with littering.

5. Tie it up with the obvious: Litigation ensues. And before long, after getting settlements from the girls in the car, the passenger in the car that crashed sues the driver, his buddy.

Voilà! Here's your headline: "Friend sues buddy over 'flying bra' crash of '06"

And, of course, you'll need a photo showing the two unfortunate guys, with the passenger-plaintiff wearing a teeshirt that reads "The 4 Stages of Tequila."

* * * * *For more background, check out these stories: A story in the Toledo Blade at the time of the incident, and a long writeup from shortly afterwards in something called Sports Car Market, which includes a photo of the crashed car.

(Via Patterico and Iowahawk)

Click here to read more . . .

Polyglot

I took my car in for an oil change at a service station, and I had to pay for it and pick up the keys at the convenience store next to the service station.

The man working at the convenience store, to judge by his thick accent, was African-born. I'd guess he was Nigerian, but that's a wild guess. Anyway, when I told him I was picking up my car, he asked for my name, which I gave him, and I added that the car was a Subaru Forester.

The man then disputed my pronunciation of Subaru. He took out a pad and wrote "SU" on it. "How do you pronounce that?" he asked me. I told him. He wrote "BA" on the pad and again asked how I pronounced it. I told him. Finally, yes, he wrote "RU" and asked how I pronounced it. I told him.

He looked up at me and said, "See? It's Su-BAH-ru. Americans say SU-b'ru."

I fought the temptation to say, "Yes, thank you for that explanation. Just give me my damn car back." Instead, I puzzled over the bizarre image of an African, speaking English with a thick accent, instructing me how to pronounce Japanese. I pointed out to him that the Japanese tend to accent words on the second syllable, as in Mit-SU-bishi, which we always pronounce Mitsu-BISH-i. And I told him that once we had paid for the cars, the Japanese probably didn't care how we pronounced the name.

So the car is a SU-baru or a SU-b'ru. As Reagan might have said, "I paid for that SUV."

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Friday linkfest

I don't really know what to do with these stories, given my August doldrums, so I'm putting them in a linkfest.

1. Public service announcement: If you're a police officer having a tryst at the office on work time, make sure to keep your radio earpiece in. In England, an officer who claimed he was "always poised and ready to respond to an emergency because he had his earpiece in" was acquitted of misconduct in a public office. (hat tip: fee simple)

2. You've heard of gay cars. Well, none of those make this list of cars and what they supposedly say about their owners' love style. (This actually has to be one of the stupidest things I've read in a long time.)

3. Paging Harvey Mansfield: The return of manliness, now known as "retrosexuality." But since it seems to involve hair implants for one's chest, count me out. That sounds painful. On the other hand, this sounds good for me and some other MOTs: "some surgeons say that men are also asserting their manliness through rhinoplasty, or nose jobs, asking for a more pronounced proboscis."

4. The latest in technology: Kosher vending machines. More precisely, a "glatt kosher vending machine that can shoot out a hot knish," as if this were some kind of useful Jewish contribution to American culture. Cuteness component: "The vending machines are called Hot Nosh 24/6." Get it? 24/6? Although the machine is not actually shut off on Shabbat, which is more grist for Noah Feldman's next article. And from the "who cares?" department: This is being financed by "Ruby Azrak, a street clothing magnate who launched Russell Simmons's Phat Farm line," who also "runs the House of Dereon, the clothing line of the singer Beyoncé." (UPDATE: I forgot to include the link to the company's website. You can see some of their press coverage there, too.)

Click here to read more . . .

Course hazard

If your teenaged daughter calls you up to ask you how to get the car out of fresh cement, she may not be pulling your leg.

State Police say a teenage girl drove through construction zone markers on the West Virginia Turnpike and got stuck in freshly poured concrete.

* * * * *The minivan then sank in the concrete, Kincaid said. Concrete covered the two axles of the vehicle.

"She went in deep," Kincaid said.

Then again, you might be in the passenger seat yourself when this happens.

The 17-year-old girl from Durham, N.C., was driving a Dodge Caravan southbound Wednesday night when she came upon a construction zone near Mossy, Sgt. D.R. Kincaid said.

Kincaid said the girl saw construction zone signs alerting her the right lane was closed ahead but panicked when she entered the zone and saw traffic behind her. The girl screamed for her mother, who was apparently asleep, and asked her what to do. Her mother told her to change lanes.

The girl, who was in the open left lane, then cut into the closed right lane, through construction cones positioned 40 feet apart, Kincaid said. The girl ran across small spots of fresh concrete that had dried, but when she reached a "super long" spot, that concrete was still wet.

But I guess it can happen to anyone.

Related by location:"Man with panties on face attempts to rob W.Va. store"

(via Fark)

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Geezer cars and gay cars (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Last year, I finally got rid of my Ford Taurus, which I'd had for 13 years. I'd had a miserable time with it, and I decided to buy a Toyota. Specifically, a Toyota Avalon, which, I might add, is a pleasure to drive.

My kids, however, refer to my Avalon as "the geezer car." I really can't understand why they'd say such a thing. Could it be the butt warmers?

One feature my geezer car has is a keyless push-button starter, which oddly the New York Times gave front-page attention to today. The starter works if you carry the key fob with you. When I bought the Avalon, I thought the push-button starter was an absurd waste of money, but it turns out that it lets you avoid digging around in your pockets for your key many times a day, and if you're like me, and you carry a million things in your pocket, that's a blessing.

Now, a friend of mine, in fact the one who recommended Toyota when I was fed up with my Taurus, had a different concern after buying his Toyota RAV4, a small SUV. He heard from several people that the RAV4 was the car of choice for gay men.

I don't know why this bothered him. He's a family kind of guy -- wife and kids and all -- so it wasn't as if people would wonder, but bother him it did. He asked me whether I'd heard about this gay-car stuff -- as if I would know -- so, of course, from then on, knowing how sensitive this subject was for him, naturally, I've constantly asked him about his gay car.

Anyway, I'm sure he's happy to learn that the RAV4 isn't mentioned at all in the article in Thursday's New York Times about gay cars (hat tip: Mrs. Attila). Sample: "Cars are no more straight or gay than cellphones, office chairs or weed whackers. But in recent years that truism has not stopped a perception among some motorists that certain cars can, in the right context, be statements about a driver’s sexual orientation."

From the article, it's really hard to know what's politically correct here. Are homosexuals people with their own unique tastes, men who buy the Mazda Miata or women who buy the so-called "Lesbaru" (the Subaru Outback) -- or are they just like heteros, the kind of bland people who buy Camrys? Hard to tell. The article spends numerous column inches suggesting the former and then closes with the latter, just in case you might be laughing about this subject. (It's not funny, by the way.)

But if you really want the answer to the political correctness question, you'll have to turn to an article cited in the Times article. You'll need to Google it yourself, though, because the Times can't bring itself to provide the link. You just might be one of those yahoos who would laugh at all of this.

So I Googled it myself. The article is "Top Ten Gay Cars" by Ramone Johnson. And, no, the RAV4 isn't listed there, either. But the Subaru Outback is, along with a bunch of other cars whose gay-ness had absolutely never occurred to me.

I'm still searching for the Top Ten Geezer Cars, myself.

UPDATE: Car Talk listeners have weighed in on gay cars.

UPDATE (4/22): Uh, oh! I discovered through a visitor's Google search for 'Toyota Avalon gay' that maybe the Avalon is gay, after all. Perhaps only for gay "graying boomers," though.

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