Hello, Chief? I need your advice.
OK, sir.
Have you been reading the newspapers?
Not exactly, sir. I've been dead for about 30 years.
Sorry about that, Chief. Well, here's what's going down. You know Denny Hastert?
Speaker of the House?
Right. Kinda guy, when ya need him, he's nuthin' but a limp-wristed pantywaist.
I thought he used to be a high-school wrestling coach.
High school wrestlin'? S---, Chief, it's just some nut-groping by kids who don't know if they're AC or DC.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Though it still can get your ass in the slammer in Texas.
So here's my point. Hastert's got his tighty whiteys in a bunch protectin' some crooked congressman who was caught with $90,000 in cash wrapped in foil in his freezer.
His freezer?
Man was such a dim bulb, it's amazing he didn't try to microwave it, foil and all. So the FBI got a search warrant and raided his congressional office, and now Hastert's demanding that we give back the seized evidence. And if you think it couldn't get any worse, my Attorney General is threatening to quit if I do what Hastert wants. The Deputy Attorney General and the FBI Director are talkin' about resigning, too.
Sir, if you want my advice, when I was at Control, whenever we had a big crisis, we'd bring back the former chief of Control, Admiral Hargrade. He was about 93 years old and he couldn't sit down unless you gave him a little push, but he exuded confidence. So what I'd recommend is that you bring back the former Attorney General.
I've already talked to John Ashcroft, and he won't do it.
I wasn't thinking of Ashcroft.
You don't mean . . .?
I'm afraid so, sir.
But that could be a disaster.
What could possibly go wrong?
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