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January 20, 2008

The Pillage Idiot novel

I'm the kind of guy who has a cell phone but doesn't use it very much. And I've never -- repeat, never -- sent a text message.

The Japanese, on the other hand, appear to be inseparable from their cell phones. And they're now writing "novels" on them. I put the word "novels" in "scare quotes," because some Japanese, by which I mean the ones with any dignity, think there's something just a little wrong about the concept of a cell phone novel, which they fear will "hasten the decline of Japanese literature."

Now, as someone who does the very serious writing you find at Pillage Idiot, I can sympathize. And I want you to have my assurance that nothing at Pillage Idiot is likely to hasten the decline of Japanese literature.

Even my novel, which I'm going to outline here:

Our protagonist is a brilliant government lawyer who is, of course, also extremely good looking, as is his wife, in case she reads this. He decides to write his serious thoughts on serious topics unrelated to his day job. But he soon discovers that the world isn't interested in his serious thoughts. So he turns to flatulence and mutilated male members. Bill and Hillary make fairly regular appearances. As does Ron Paul's cocker spaniel. There's lots of sex, for reasons I can't fully understand, and there's even a side bit about sexlessness in Japan, which may or may not have anything to do with the Japanese attachment to cell phones.

Our protagonist spends a lot of time sending useless zeroes and ones into the ether and meets his condign punishment. He's forced to atone by writing a novel on his cell phone.