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September 18, 2005

Useful medical information

I had a birthday over the summer, and my wife gave me a present this weekend. One part of it was a book called "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" This book has "Pillage Idiot" written all over it. At least it did after I started marking it up.

If you're a regular reader of this blog -- and not just because you feel sorry for me -- I think you'll enjoy the book. Here's an excerpt from the preface, explaining how the two authors met up. One (Billy Goldberg, M.D.) is an emergency room doctor, the other (Mark Leyner) a novelist and screenwriter. Leyner came to visit Goldberg on his rounds.

[T]he first new patient to arrive was an "EDP." This is the term that we use for an emotionally disturbed patient. He was wildly agitated and a dozen burly New York City EMS personnel and cops were barely able to keep him restrained on a stretcher. Mark and I hurried over to see him wide-eyed and ranting psychotically. He was screaming in Spanish and English, "I am Superman, motherf[-----]. Get me Jimmy Olsen. I am faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive." I stepped up to the bed with the goal of getting an IV in and calming Superman down. He screamed again, "I am Superman, goddammit, your medications won't work on me." Leyner, who had been coolly observing the scene with clinical detachment, popped some Skittles in his mouth and made a stunningly unorthodox suggestion. "Give him kryptonite." I know that as you tell as story many times it begins to get embellished, but I remember that these words and these words alone calmed the patient enough so that we could get the drip going and get him under control.
The main part of the book answers questions like these:

Does coffee stunt your growth? (Short answer is no. Your parents were wrong. "It also helps if the child falls asleep and leaves Mommy and Daddy alone to find out if there really is a G-spot (see chapter 3, page 94).")

Do cucumbers relieve puffy eyes? (It's not the cucumber but the cooling effect of the water it contains. "Hemorrhoid cream also helps, but I'd prefer puffy eyes.")

Will yogurt cure a yeast infection if you put it "inside"? (It should help if you "put it in the correct orifice -- your mouth.")

Why does poo float?

OK, you get the idea. This book is at least a Code Orange on the Pillage Idiot Advisory System.