Put it on and keep it on

Underwear: Can't live with it, can't live without it.

"Employees counting donations at a popular Hindu shrine in southern India will no longer have to take off their underpants at work after the local human rights commission intervened."

"Officials say visitors to a southwest Ohio jail can't wear plunging necklines, Spandex or see-through garb. The Hamilton County jail said the new dress code also requires guests to wears shirts, shoes and underwear."

And in somewhat distantly related news, you know those unlicensed performance enhancement drugs you bought? Well, you should probably keep your underwear on.

And in even more distantly related news, here's another in our series of stories about the dangers of externomingent acts, this time the canine edition. Dog to lamp post: Take that! Lamp post to dog: Bzzzzzztt! (via Fark)

Click here to read more . . .

Wednesday linkfest

This is the place where I drop links that I've been collecting but haven't had time to write about while I've been trying to figure out my mother's taxes.

1. From the distaff side of the moronosphere, S.Weasel has a delightful tribute to Charlton Heston. Well, to his buttocks, anyway.

2. Speaking of the moronosphere, check doubleplusundead regularly for his daily roundups, called "around the moronosphere in 80 iq points." I think the Moron-in-Chief was responsible for that name.

3. Since it's tax time, I'd like to bring you this: "Woman Apologizes for Pitbull Attack on IRS Employee." (via TaxProf Blog)

4. Here's the barbecue guy who loves the NoKos. The FBI already knows about him, thanks to his dad. Really. Will there be a place for him as Secretary of State in the Obama Administration? And this: A coincidence?

5. Will you be more in love with your wife if she learns to play poker? This article says you will. It sounds totally asinine to me, because you play poker precisely to be alone with the boys, but there are some other tips for women that sound a little better than that.

6. If you live in Minnesota, your tax dollars are funding what may be a madrassa.

7. Ace writes about a post by a user at Obama's site attacking the Jews. A commenter finds the cached link after the post is taken down.

8. From the Department of Old: "Woman's Lawsuit Claims Bra Injured Her / Victoria's Secret Denies Claims." (via Ace's headlines last week)

9. From the Department of Not So New: Starbucks won't let you customize your card with "Laissez Faire" but will let you use "People Not Profits"? (via Volokh)

10. Child "maths" genius-ette becomes a call girl (with probably NSFW photo) (via Fark)

11. Get your ice cold Mets motivational poster, courtesy of Baseball Crank. Not that I've already given up on them -- that'll take another few days like yesterday.

Click here to read more . . .

Charles Murray for dogs

There are about a gazillion doggie IQ tests -- you can find 'em by googling -- but only one of them found its way into an article in the New York Post. I don't know what's involved in that test, making it so special, because I was unwilling to spend $79.99 On Sale Now! Just $49.99 to buy it.

But it's no great loss, really, because you can get another doggie IQ test for free from Ace, so long as you're not too offended by some Anglo-Saxon language and (im)mature content (consider that your content warning). Here's a sample from the True/False section:

3. This nasty old rotting canvas sneaker I just pulled out of the mulchpile tastes like that dog's ass, which in turn tastes like my own genitals, which themselves taste like strawberry waffles.

4. Toilet water tastes much like maple syrup.

That's not even the best part. Ace really had me laughing in a guilty way, so if you can deal with the language, you should definitely read the whole piece.

On a different note, what breed of dog is Eliot Spitzer, the Democratic Governor of New York? My guess is a beagle. The beagle is number 9 in the list of least intelligent breeds, and Spitzer was Client 9, although that's obviously a coincidence. What I'm thinking is that beagles are considered to have an "independent and willful nature." Which describes Spitzer quite well.

Click here to read more . . .

Super Tuesday linkfest

It's Super Tuesday today. So if you've come here to get informed political commentary, you'd better find another site right away.

But if you want a few interesting political links, try these:

1. Sean Hannity gets Frank Luntz to ask his focus group of Obama fans to name one specific accomplishment of Barack Obama. As the Fark line goes, hilarity ensues. Watch the video here. I swear one guy says Obama's a "great oratator."

2. In all the numerous bills of particulars that conservatives are posting against John McCain, the one I haven't seen yet is that, in the days when Cindy Sheehan was a big deal in the media, McCain met with her as if she were a respectable person. I did a photo comic at the time, which I think caught the essence of the encounter: "Cindy and John: He said, she said."

3. A Weekly Standard review (subscribers only) of a couple of books about the United States from Spain is illustrated with a photo of protesters in Madrid in 2001 when Bush visited the city. Sadly, it's not in the web version of the review. Take a look at the photo. Notice what the signs at the lower left and in the middle say? I'm famous. Sort of.



4. This amusing story of voting in the Republican primary in Brooklyn has the ring of truth to it.

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OK, that concludes the political part of the linkfest. On to other topics. First, sports.

5. You may have heard that the Super Bowl was played on Sunday. But have you heard of the Puppy Bowl? (hat tip: Mrs. Attila)

6. I know that more people read this site than Instapundit, Ace of Spades HQ, and Best of the Web Today combined, so I doubt you'll have seen this one before. First they came for dodgeball and I said nothing. Then they came for Intentional Flatulence, which by all rights should be an Olympic sport. This is nuts: If you force them to hold it in, they'll explode. (hat tip: Soccer Dad, but don't mention that to his kids) [UPDATE 2/6: Story is an exaggeration, apparently taken from a gag sheet prepared by eighth-grade girls. The true school newsletter says: "I just want to make sure parents know this actually is not an official ban or new school rule. Some eighth grade teachers did tell eighth graders that if they continue to disrupt class by intentionally farting, they will get a detention. There is truth to that. Intentional flatulence can be a disruption to class, and we already have rules addressing disruptive behavior." Is that clear?]

And now, other bodily functions.

7. Remote control to undo vasectomy? Surely, you jest:

A man would then use the handset, or fob, to open it around the time of having sex if he and his partner wanted to conceive.

Once the handset is pressed, it sends a coded radio signal through the skin to the implant, which contains a tiny antenna. The antenna picks up the signal and converts it into sound waves that "ripple" through the valve.

Since the valve itself is soft and flexible, the sound waves make it flap open - allowing sperm to pass through. As with cars, each device would have its own unique code so it could not be opened by anyone else.

"It's based on a radio signal, like the device on your key ring, which is coded so that you cannot open someone else's car," Professor Abbott says.

This was a "Dude" headline at HotAir. With good reason.

8. Today's headline of the day (via Fark): "Booze bra gives women a wine rack."

9. Leave it to the Brits: "THE minefield of lingerie shopping for lovers can be avoided this Valentine's Day with a new website which lets you visit a virtual dressing room and ask models to try on underwear." Nearly as good as the Tower of Boobel I wrote about two years ago.

Click here to read more . . .

The dangers of externomingent acts, again

Another reason not to do your business outside.

As with our last report on externomingency, some guy was urinating through a hole in a fence in Cambodia when "a happy little puppy on the other side bit onto his penis." (via HotAir) The article does not explain how we know the puppy was happy.

But we know the guy was not happy, and we'll let the Metro.co.UK article take it from here:

Mr Veasna's puppy/penis misfortune came to light when he turned up at hospital in the Cambodian capital, and regaled them with his tale of mirth and woe.

He was suffering from lacerations to his penis. However, doctors were able to save his organ, and are hopeful that the puppy did him no permanent damage.

The article quotes a doctor as saying, "It's undoubtedly sore now, but luckily it should still be useful to him in the future." And if not, he can keep it in a display case or sell it on eBay.

I'd definitely recommend you click the link for two reasons. First, the accompanying photo of a cute little white pooch has this caption: "A delightful little doggy: probably wants to savage your penis." Second, there are links to two other somewhat related articles: Man in unfortunate saw-mill penis incident and Cambodians warned over DIY penis enlargement.

Because you can never have too many stories of male member mutilation.

Click here to read more . . .

Naked before God (dyslexic version)

There's a very old joke about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up late at nights unsure about the existence of dog.

I tell you this because I regaled you last month with the tale of "Naked before God," a convention of religious nudists meeting in Tennessee. Today, I want to tell about "Naked before Dog," which has to do with a naked dog-walker.

This headline actually sounds like a "Help Wanted" ad: "Police look for nude man walking dogs." (via Fark)

LITCHFIELD, Conn. - Police say they are on the lookout for a nude man who was spotted taking a stroll with two dogs on Monday. Police say the man was seen by a female jogger in the woods of the White Memorial Foundation.

Mary stolle, athletic director at nearby Wamogo Regional High School, said the school's cross country teams were diverted from the woods where they had been training into White Memorial's museum as a precaution.

The suspect is a tall white man with thin hair who is believed to be in his 50s.

According to the Litchfield Republican-American, which obviously you can't trust, because it's probably sitting in a public toilet tapping its foot, the naked dog-walker "went au natural in the woods of the White Memorial Foundation Monday, stunning a female jogger and forcing high school cross country teams to take or consider taking precautions." The use of the word "stunned" is interesting. Was she stunned by the man's, uh, natural beauty, or was she stunned in any of the following senses of the word:

1. To daze or render senseless, by or as if by a blow.
2. To overwhelm or daze with a loud noise.
3. To stupefy, as with the emotional impact of an experience; astound.

Personally, I suspect she was horrified, not stunned, but that's only because I should know. It won't be too long before I fit the description of the dog-walker, at least when he has his clothes on.

The other interesting facet of the story is why the cross-country teams were diverted from the woods "as a precaution." As a precaution against what? Were the dogs dangerous? Or was it a precaution against being stunned by a naked middle-aged dude who had a couple of dogs with him?

One final thought: This clearly wouldn't have happened in California, where they actually have "Naked Dog Walks" in a place called, oddly enough, "Los Gatos" (which means "the cats" in some metric language or other). If you think I'm kidding about naked dog walks, see this announcement and this one.

And it's a damn good thing they specify "naked" dog walks, because otherwise people might dress their dogs up in those silly little sweater things.

Click here to read more . . .

Linkfest

1. We all know that dogs eat grass, but a Ph.D. on the subject? (via Fark)

2. Arlen Specter is a fool. But you already knew that. You also knew that there are some cool anagrams for his name. Arlen Specter = clear serpent = lepers recant = rectal preens.

3. Don't be shy, Granny! Keep a couple of 'em in your purse. Just in case you get lucky. (via HotAir)

4. Homeowner attacks mailbox vandals. The best thing about the story is the Fark tagline: "Men playing mailbox baseball find out it's not as much fun when the homeowner comes up to bat in the bottom half of the inning."

5. Paging O.J. Simpson! A geezer in an electric "mobility scooter" takes Brit police on a highway chase at 8 MPH. And they lose him. (hat tip: fee simple)

6. The new demographic of the New York Times: 20-something "men" who buy expensive (male) fragrances. "I've been in the business for 20 years, and I can't believe how many young men are spending hundreds of dollars on fragrance."

7. Someone's stalking your house. Your house, not mine.

UPDATE (7/27):

8. A late entry from fee simple. Please avert your eyes, you dignified readers, because it turns out there's something called a "gPod," not to be confused with the iPod (Apple litigation to follow): "The 'gPod', a phallic-shaped vibrator, is designed to respond automatically to sounds picked up by an accompanying handset, which can plug into anything from a telephone to a music player to a television."

Click here to read more . . .

Linkfest

It's been a little while, but now it's time for a linkfest.

1. This one's been lazing around in my in-box for a few days, kind of like your dog, who sleeps about 23/7. Cafe Press has removed G-strings and tee shirts for dogs that had pictures of Buddha on them out of possible offense to the Thais, who are acting more and more like Muslims every day. The article notes that "items depicting Jesus and Shiva remained." What a surprise! (hat tip: fee simple) Image and video at this link.

And in case you were wondering, another article on the subject says that "Top underwear designer Victoria's Secret withdraw [sic] bikinis emblazoned with Buddha images after similar protests in 2004." First they came for Muhammed thongs, and I said nothing. Then they came for Buddha thongs. Well, you get the idea.

2. I've been wondering why I've been getting lots of hits lately based on searches for Hillary and plastic surgery. Now I know. (via Hot Air)

3. In case that link isn't stupid enough for you, try this: Another column by Margery Eagan, this time about the wives of Republican candidates for president, with an emphasis on their "ample - and aging - display of decolletage." (also via Hot Air)

4. Speaking of aging, if you think getting older means you can't be a badass dude any more, think again. A guy on a plane starts acting all weird, and a 65-year-old former police commander takes charge, accompanied by a retired U.S. Marine captain of unspecified age. (We can surmise he was not young; the two were referred to as "grandfathers" and he had been married for 42 years, about which more in a second.)

The former police commander:

"I had looked around the plane for help, and all the younger guys had averted their eyes. When I asked the guy next to me if he was up to it, all he said was, 'Retired captain. USMC.' I said, 'You'll do,' " Hayden recalled. "So, basically, a couple of grandfathers took care of the situation."

And this is classic. The retired Marine captain's wife of 42 years:

Hayden's wife of 42 years, Katie, who was also on the flight, was less impressed. Even as her husband struggled with the agitated passenger, she barely looked up from "The Richest Man in Babylon," the book she was reading.

"The woman sitting in front of us was very upset and asked me how I could just sit there reading," Katie Hayden said. "Bob's been shot at. He's been stabbed. He's taken knives away. He knows how to handle those situations. I figured he would go up there and step on somebody's neck, and that would be the end of it. I knew how that situation would end. I didn't know how the book would end."

Guys, that's how you know your marriage is a good one. (via Fark)

Click here to read more . . .

Dog smarts

There's the old Gary Larson Far Side cartoon....

What we say to dogs: Okay, Ginger! I've had it! You stay out of the garbage! Understand, Ginger? Stay out of the garbage, or else!

What they hear: blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah GINGER blah blah blah blah blah...

But it turns out that dogs are highly sophisticated thinkers, about on a level of a 14-month human, if you can believe this article from the Washington Post ("What Were They Thinking? More Than We Knew.") Many dogs in an experiment used their paws to do tasks instead of their mouths, but only when the dog they were imitating had its mouth free. If the dog had its mouth occupied, the other dogs assumed it was using its paws because it had to. If its mouth was unoccupied, they realized there must be a reason it was using its paws instead of its mouth.

So here's the update of the Larson cartoon:

What they say: Woof woof woof woof woof.

What they mean: One can even set up quite ridiculous cases. A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small, that perhaps in the course of the hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges and through a relay releases a hammer which shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid. If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The psi-function of the entire system would express this by having in it the living and dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts.

But just try getting your dog to explain quantum mechanics.

Click here to read more . . .

Dog to the rescue?

A few days ago, I asked whether dogs are conservative. You know, "dogs tend to be loyal, extroverted, optimistic, and firm in their defense of the person they live with. Cats, not so much."

Today, I'm going to ask whether dogs are capable of doing the Heimlich maneuver and saving a life.

Before you conclude that I've totally lost my mind -- in case you haven't already concluded that a long time ago -- read this article from the AP. And in case you still doubt my sanity, read the longer version of the article here. (This story took place in Calvert, Maryland, by the way.)

I found out about the story at HotAir, and before you finish, you should read the comments over there. My personal favorite: "Everytime my dog meets another dog, he does the hind lick maneuver."

Click here to read more . . .

Are dogs conservative?

The question I've posed in the title is asinine. Or is it? I mean, dogs tend to be loyal, extroverted, optimistic, and firm in their defense of the person they live with. Cats, not so much.

I'm not planning to write a serious essay on this topic, but I will refer you to other sources that have considered the issue, with varying degrees of seriousness.

There's even been a study that claims to have shown that liberals prefer cats and conservatives prefer dogs. Click on the image to read about it.


Here's the explanation of the chart: Percentage Owning Cats and Dogs (Blue=Dogs, Green=Cats) (VL=Very Liberal, L=Liberal, C=Conservative, VC=Very Conservative) (M=Male, F=Female)

I've raised this question whether dogs are conservative, because a reader named Alice sent me an article from the website of the magazine Nature that says this: "Dogs wag their tails to the right when they see something they want to approach, and to the left when confronted with something they want to back away from." Which easily could indicate that dogs are conservative.

It's just something you might want to consider when you contemplate discussing the upcoming presidential election with your dog.

Click here to read more . . .