Winning the 108-year-old vote

McCain apparently wasn't old or experienced enough for this Gaithersburg woman: "Woman, 108, votes in her 22nd presidential election."

From the article:

Though she predicted victory for Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.), in part because of his ability to mobilize young voters, she just couldn't get herself to buy into either Obama or Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.). So the 20-year Asbury resident — who moved to Annapolis in the 1920s and worked as a teacher — broke from the Republican ranks for the first time to vote for Ralph Nader.

Because there's a guy with gravitas.

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Airborne

Charities have a lot of ways of raising money. Governments have basically three.

First, taxes. Second, lotteries (defined as a tax on those who don't understand math). And third, of course, the inevitable speed cameras.

I read somewhere a few months ago that the District of Columbia had placed speed cameras in all sorts of obscure spots. Naturally, the cameras caught a lot of speeders and brought in some huge bucks as a result. Foolishly, however, the D.C. government budgeted for a similar amount the next year. What happened instead, you will hardly be surprised to learn, is that drivers figured out where the cameras were and slowed down. So the speed cameras brought in a lot less money the following year.

But, you say, they still accomplished their primary mission of getting people to drive within the speed limits.

Are you out of your freakin' mind? No local government cares whether people drive within the speed limits; its concern is with raising money through fines.

All of which makes it particularly amusing that in Silver Spring, a 68-year-old man, driving a Toyota Echo with his 76-year-old wife, was charged with driving 100 MPH (that's miles, not kilometers, per hours) on a hilly, winding, narrow street -- in order words, with doing the impossible.




The photo above is not, by the way, a Toyota Echo, but it's a car that might have done 100 MPH on that road.

This is an Echo.



You really should read the linked article, because the man and woman are apparently your typical good-government Montgomery County liberals:

"While the Brennans strongly endorse the county's photo enforcement efforts, they are baffled as to how Terence Brennan could be accused of driving their Toyota Echo economy car at 100 MPH."

And Mrs. Brennan was saddened, not outraged:

"'We and our neighbors, who know well that even 40 MPH would be dangerous at this stretch, wonder how the camera could come up with such a reading,' Helga Brennan wrote to The Washington Post. 'This speed would be impossible on the Beltway at the best of times, and we have never in our life driven at this speed.'"

If you think it's unfair of me to make fun of their political views without knowing anything about it, you're absolutely right. But I'm going to do it, anyway. Because there's even more evidence of it. According to the Washington Post:

Terence, 68, and Helga, 76, paid the $40 fine promptly after receiving the citation in the mail. Like many people, they felt it wasn't worth the hassle of contesting the ticket in district court. Like very few, they also thought the county needed the money.

But the story did end happily at last. Helga Brennan wrote to the Post; the Post got in touch with the county police; and the county police admitted error, refunded the fine, and apologized for having failed to respond to the Brennans' letter.

And as for the rest of us, so long as there are people who think the government needs more money and are willing to pay fines that are obviously undeserved, I say, "Good for them!" The more people there are like that, the longer we can go between tax increases.

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On my 100th

You know, it's always a little traumatic to have a major birthday, and by major, I mean one that makes you suddenly a lot older than you were just a few days earlier.

The first major birthday I had was what we called the "QC" -- or quarter century. I was in law school at the time, and it didn't really bother me, because I had a few other things to worry about.

I've had one or two major birthdays since then, but I want you to know that when I turn 100 and Mrs. Attila is 99, my goal is to drive the wrong way down the highway, with her sitting next to me, because I've never done that before. As I always say, trying new things keeps you young. (Incidentally, the story says that the couple will "probably" be asked to turn in their licenses. Probably?)

And just to clarify my goal for a minute: I want to drive the wrong way down the highway after mooning someone in a restaurant so hard that I broke the glass and injured the part of my anatomy that rhymes with it. (In the story it was a 21-year-old, but anything he can do, I can do better.)

And in case you were wondering: My goal is to drive the wrong way down the highway after mooning someone in a restaurant on my get-away flight after robbing a convenience store while wearing thong underwear. Wearing it not on my "glass," mind you, but on my face. To disguise me.

Why is this my goal?

Because whenever the press talks to a centenarian, they always ask this question: To what do you attribute your long life? And I'm going to borrow a line from Admiral Hargrade, known as "the Admiral" on Get Smart.

When they ask me that question, I'm going to state firmly and without a second's hesitation: "Prunes!"

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A new plan for reforming government

Any of you getting cranky about a bloated government unable to be reformed? Feeling frustrated with your inability to do anything about it? Losing hope because your efforts to bring government back down to a reasonable size have failed?

Consider this idea:

It was a highly public version of a drama that has touched many families. Former Maryland governor William Donald Schaefer, 86, famously stubborn and growing increasingly frail, refused to move out of his Pasadena townhouse.

After a fall in March, some friends and associates worried that he was no longer safe living on his own.

So longtime aide Lainy LeBow-Sachs devised a ruse. While she kept Schaefer busy over a long lunch at a restaurant last month, movers descended on the townhouse, packed up all his belongings and reinstalled them in an apartment at the Charlestown Retirement Community in Catonsville.

Has anyone got John McCain's phone number? And no, I was thinking of giving him advice, not of moving him to a retirement home. (We'll do that after the election.)

Note: Schaefer's friends must have read Christopher Buckley's The White House Mess.

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Yet another nude geezer calendar

I was beginning to wonder about it, when I got a bunch of visitors today looking for something about naked geezer calendars, if you can imagine such a thing.

I can, actually. I wrote about semi-naked geezer calendars twice (here and here), which is why Pillage Idiot showed up in the search results.

Today's installment in the continuing saga of "Old Folks Coyly Displaying Everything You Don't Want To See Except For The Things You Really Don't Want To See" takes place in Madrid. That's Madrid, New Mexico, not Madrid, Spain, which actually might be more interesting. I understand there are a lot of bulls there.

A group of 60-something men who live in Madrid are peddling something that may sound like it would not have much of a market.

The group, which calls itself the Geezers, is publishing the Nude Geezers calendar featuring nude pictures of themselves.

"There are some people who are offended at naked old men," said Doug Wesley, one of the participants.

"All clothes does is cover up the beauty," chimed in Len Self.

"Well, that's what our theory is, actually," said Wesley.

Just in case you thought this was some kind of way to raise money for charity, the article makes sure to disabuse you of that notion: "Unlike other beefcake calendars of firemen or police officers, the money raised by selling the Naked Geezers is not going to charity. It's going to the Geezers."

Now, in any project of this sort, one of the most important things you can do is to issue a press release: "Nude Geezers Weenie Roast Launches Funny Calendar." A weenie roast for a semi-naked men's calendar. That's funny, now!

I'm happy to report, however, that the press release is false in a very important respect. It opens by stating:

Santa Fe, NM, August 17, 2007 --(PR.com)-- A veteran fighter pilot, a cowboy, a doctor, a retired stock exchange floor trader, a lawyer, a miner, a biological consultant, an impresario, an engineer, and other men over sixty have bared all for a Nude Geezers Calendar in this former old west ghost town, turned hippie haven.

That's a -- well, it's a fib, which the press release doesn't correct until near the end. If you mosey on over to the geezers' own website, what they bare is all the photos on the calendar. I promise you I haven't looked at all of them, but the two or three I've checked out aren't really baring all. There are some delicate props covering the naughty bits -- a book, a cat, and, if the press release is correct, in one case an attractive, fully clothed young woman.

That's really not so bad, though. We don't really need any more of a weenie roast than they give us.

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On vacation mini-linkfest

You're probably pretty bored with re-reading the Bill Clinton photo comic by now, but I'm on vacation, so I'll just give you a little to read for now.

1. If you tell a joke to your grandfather or your father and he doesn't get it, it might be because of cognitive decline resulting from age. On the other hand, it might just be that the joke you told was idiotic.

2. Two can play at that game. Or changing the allocation of electoral votes in large blue states can help Republicans, just as doing so in red states can help Democrats.

3. 237 reasons for having sex? Well, they are college students, after all.

(first two via HotAir)

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Linkfest

1. We all know that dogs eat grass, but a Ph.D. on the subject? (via Fark)

2. Arlen Specter is a fool. But you already knew that. You also knew that there are some cool anagrams for his name. Arlen Specter = clear serpent = lepers recant = rectal preens.

3. Don't be shy, Granny! Keep a couple of 'em in your purse. Just in case you get lucky. (via HotAir)

4. Homeowner attacks mailbox vandals. The best thing about the story is the Fark tagline: "Men playing mailbox baseball find out it's not as much fun when the homeowner comes up to bat in the bottom half of the inning."

5. Paging O.J. Simpson! A geezer in an electric "mobility scooter" takes Brit police on a highway chase at 8 MPH. And they lose him. (hat tip: fee simple)

6. The new demographic of the New York Times: 20-something "men" who buy expensive (male) fragrances. "I've been in the business for 20 years, and I can't believe how many young men are spending hundreds of dollars on fragrance."

7. Someone's stalking your house. Your house, not mine.

UPDATE (7/27):

8. A late entry from fee simple. Please avert your eyes, you dignified readers, because it turns out there's something called a "gPod," not to be confused with the iPod (Apple litigation to follow): "The 'gPod', a phallic-shaped vibrator, is designed to respond automatically to sounds picked up by an accompanying handset, which can plug into anything from a telephone to a music player to a television."

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Things I've learned

Each year around my birthday, and my birthday falls sometime in July, I think about the meaning of life and about what I've learned in my lifetime. A couple of years ago, I posted a list of the top ten things I've learned, and when I looked it over again, I realized it's still the top ten.

So, with apologies to readers who insist that I should never recycle two-year old thoughts, here are the Top Ten Things I've Learned. The uneven quality, by the way, is proof they're actually my thoughts.

10. Your wife is right. (This one bears repetition: Your wife is right.)

9. Some people swear by scotch, but beer's pretty good, too.

8. You should never talk about "mid-life crisis" in the singular.

7. Always seek wisdom from your mistakes, but don't plan on getting an advanced degree.

6. Some people are late bloomers, but when you're pushing 50, there's a good chance you'll always remain a bud.

5. Men get older, but women stay the same age, and pretty soon they're the same age as your daughter.

4. Hair is proof that God has a sense of humor.

3. If you attend a reunion, for every classmate who invented the latest breakthrough in laser technology, there are four ex-con alcoholics who are delinquent on their child support. (That's good news, by the way.)

2. When people accost you on the street, don't assume they're looking for a handout; they might be offering you shelter.

And the Number One thing I've learned is: If all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten, someone owes me a damn refund.

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Another geezer pin-up calendar

I had to emit a loud yawn when I read this headline: "Elderly Pa. Women Pose For Risque Photos." (via a commenter at Ace's)

Giving sultry looks and sexy smiles to the camera, 12 Pittsburgh-area women recently posed at Monongahela historical sites, baring it all -- or almost all -- to create a charity-driven calendar. The catch?

The nearly nude ladies are all in their 70s and 80s, driven to adventure by a desire to raise money for a historical society in Monongahela, a small community 17 miles southeast of Pittsburgh.

Well, I really did emit a yawn, which was followed by a vague sense of unease about the imagery. But I had to be very careful about it. Knowing women, if my wife had noticed my sense of unease, she would have assumed I was criticizing her appearance several decades in advance.

But surely, if geezer men can do pin-up calendars, so can geezer women. And besides, it seems that everyone is doing calendars these days.

And consider this:

"One of the advantages of being old is that you can do anything you want and get away with it," said 80-year-old Lois Phillips, who as Miss September was photographed in the back seat of a 1968 Mercury convertible.

Hey, that sounds just about right: Get away!

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Linkfest

It's been a little while, but now it's time for a linkfest.

1. This one's been lazing around in my in-box for a few days, kind of like your dog, who sleeps about 23/7. Cafe Press has removed G-strings and tee shirts for dogs that had pictures of Buddha on them out of possible offense to the Thais, who are acting more and more like Muslims every day. The article notes that "items depicting Jesus and Shiva remained." What a surprise! (hat tip: fee simple) Image and video at this link.

And in case you were wondering, another article on the subject says that "Top underwear designer Victoria's Secret withdraw [sic] bikinis emblazoned with Buddha images after similar protests in 2004." First they came for Muhammed thongs, and I said nothing. Then they came for Buddha thongs. Well, you get the idea.

2. I've been wondering why I've been getting lots of hits lately based on searches for Hillary and plastic surgery. Now I know. (via Hot Air)

3. In case that link isn't stupid enough for you, try this: Another column by Margery Eagan, this time about the wives of Republican candidates for president, with an emphasis on their "ample - and aging - display of decolletage." (also via Hot Air)

4. Speaking of aging, if you think getting older means you can't be a badass dude any more, think again. A guy on a plane starts acting all weird, and a 65-year-old former police commander takes charge, accompanied by a retired U.S. Marine captain of unspecified age. (We can surmise he was not young; the two were referred to as "grandfathers" and he had been married for 42 years, about which more in a second.)

The former police commander:

"I had looked around the plane for help, and all the younger guys had averted their eyes. When I asked the guy next to me if he was up to it, all he said was, 'Retired captain. USMC.' I said, 'You'll do,' " Hayden recalled. "So, basically, a couple of grandfathers took care of the situation."

And this is classic. The retired Marine captain's wife of 42 years:

Hayden's wife of 42 years, Katie, who was also on the flight, was less impressed. Even as her husband struggled with the agitated passenger, she barely looked up from "The Richest Man in Babylon," the book she was reading.

"The woman sitting in front of us was very upset and asked me how I could just sit there reading," Katie Hayden said. "Bob's been shot at. He's been stabbed. He's taken knives away. He knows how to handle those situations. I figured he would go up there and step on somebody's neck, and that would be the end of it. I knew how that situation would end. I didn't know how the book would end."

Guys, that's how you know your marriage is a good one. (via Fark)

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Aging boomers' endless introspection

Brought to you by the same folks who used to say, "Don't trust anyone over 30": The New York Times magazine has an issue devoted to aging boomers. Feh! Won't these people ever stop talking about themselves?

I have no intention of reading most of the articles, but I did notice two things. First, there's a short piece with photos of 10 men and women talking about sex at their "advanced" ages: "Ten women and men discuss what sex is like when you're old enough to know better." It's connected to a film called "Naked" by Rachel Dretzin, which you can see clips from here, if you can stand it, which I can't. The two-page spread in the magazine, which is all I'm willing to take in, suggests that normal, happily married couples need not apply. I guess it's "Don't trust anyone over 30 who's happily married."

Second, my old friend, Randy Cohen, The Ethicist, hears from a man whose wife, after 30 years, announces she's not interested in sex any more. The man thinks, OK, fine, I'll get it elsewhere. The woman is angry. The Ethicist actually takes the man to task, but only because of his dishonesty, not (God forbid) his adultery. He should have discussed it with his wife first: "You and she might agree that because she no longer wants sex, you may seek it elsewhere — discreetly, tactfully, striving not to cause her embarrassment. Or she might find this modus vivendi intolerable and, if forced to choose, decide to live apart from you. But you gave her no chance to decide anything." This may actually be a case of "When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Randy Cohen sees it as an ethics problem (as does the man). But the situation really calls for some counseling. Why did the wife make this announcement without discussion? Why did the man not discuss things and just go off and have affairs? There's got to be something going on here that doesn't lend itself to resolution by an "ethicist."

UPDATE (5/7): As Dilbert said this morning, "90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist." Coincidence? You make the call.

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Geezer cars and gay cars (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Last year, I finally got rid of my Ford Taurus, which I'd had for 13 years. I'd had a miserable time with it, and I decided to buy a Toyota. Specifically, a Toyota Avalon, which, I might add, is a pleasure to drive.

My kids, however, refer to my Avalon as "the geezer car." I really can't understand why they'd say such a thing. Could it be the butt warmers?

One feature my geezer car has is a keyless push-button starter, which oddly the New York Times gave front-page attention to today. The starter works if you carry the key fob with you. When I bought the Avalon, I thought the push-button starter was an absurd waste of money, but it turns out that it lets you avoid digging around in your pockets for your key many times a day, and if you're like me, and you carry a million things in your pocket, that's a blessing.

Now, a friend of mine, in fact the one who recommended Toyota when I was fed up with my Taurus, had a different concern after buying his Toyota RAV4, a small SUV. He heard from several people that the RAV4 was the car of choice for gay men.

I don't know why this bothered him. He's a family kind of guy -- wife and kids and all -- so it wasn't as if people would wonder, but bother him it did. He asked me whether I'd heard about this gay-car stuff -- as if I would know -- so, of course, from then on, knowing how sensitive this subject was for him, naturally, I've constantly asked him about his gay car.

Anyway, I'm sure he's happy to learn that the RAV4 isn't mentioned at all in the article in Thursday's New York Times about gay cars (hat tip: Mrs. Attila). Sample: "Cars are no more straight or gay than cellphones, office chairs or weed whackers. But in recent years that truism has not stopped a perception among some motorists that certain cars can, in the right context, be statements about a driver’s sexual orientation."

From the article, it's really hard to know what's politically correct here. Are homosexuals people with their own unique tastes, men who buy the Mazda Miata or women who buy the so-called "Lesbaru" (the Subaru Outback) -- or are they just like heteros, the kind of bland people who buy Camrys? Hard to tell. The article spends numerous column inches suggesting the former and then closes with the latter, just in case you might be laughing about this subject. (It's not funny, by the way.)

But if you really want the answer to the political correctness question, you'll have to turn to an article cited in the Times article. You'll need to Google it yourself, though, because the Times can't bring itself to provide the link. You just might be one of those yahoos who would laugh at all of this.

So I Googled it myself. The article is "Top Ten Gay Cars" by Ramone Johnson. And, no, the RAV4 isn't listed there, either. But the Subaru Outback is, along with a bunch of other cars whose gay-ness had absolutely never occurred to me.

I'm still searching for the Top Ten Geezer Cars, myself.

UPDATE: Car Talk listeners have weighed in on gay cars.

UPDATE (4/22): Uh, oh! I discovered through a visitor's Google search for 'Toyota Avalon gay' that maybe the Avalon is gay, after all. Perhaps only for gay "graying boomers," though.

Click here to read more . . .

Aviation tip

Here's my aviation tip of the week: If you land your plane on the runway, and you hit a speed bump, what you landed on is probably not the runway.

Bonus: You're 68 years old, not really all that old, but 8 years older than the age limit for American commercial pilots.

(via Fark)

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