That's the headline, and no, I'm sorry to report that Cosmopolitan is NOT posing John McCain's mocking question about Obama.
Read this article and weep, because Cosmo is giving women the usual, patented, high-quality advice you can expect from that source about whether your guy is marriage material. OK, I threw in that stuff about "marriage material," because Cosmo can't quite get itself to use that dubious terminology. The article speaks, instead, of being "life partners." Oh, well, let's take what we can get.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
September 20, 2008
"Is He 'The One'?"
July 07, 2008
Barack and Michelle go on a blind date
Date Lab
Can two Ivy-educated members of the power elite hit it off without hitting each other?
7:00 P.M., NEW ORLEANS BISTRO
Michelle: I got to the restaurant 10 minutes early, because that's the way I am, you know? He was seven minutes late.
Barack: Seven minutes? I was a minute or two late. A throng of college kids surrounded me on the street, and I had to sign autographs.
Michelle: When he arrived, I was thinking, "Light-skinned but not bad-looking." I'd heard from Date Lab that his mother was white. I know something about that subject, especially about integration or assimilation into a white cultural and social structure and about how it forces me to remain on the periphery of society, never becoming a full participant. So I was a little wary.
Barack: She's quite attractive, but I don't usually date women who wear pearls and dress like June Cleaver. I was wondering if she was trying to make some kind of statement with that 50s retro style. She had an angry scowl glued onto her face. I decided I was going to try to get her to relax and see what she looked like then.
Michelle: We started by ordering drinks. I had a Black Russian and he ordered one of those, ha, those things with the umbrella? I always knew there was a distinctive black culture very different from white culture.
Barack: It didn't have an umbrella. It was an apple-tini. She got that one wrong.
Michelle: Apple-tini, he said? Well, whatever. I've never heard of a black dude drinking an apple-tini.
Barack: She was easy to talk to. We discussed our families, our Ivy League schools, our churches. But she had a kind of chip on her shoulder.
Michelle: He was pretty defensive about his family but eventually confided that the white side of his family was a whole bunch of racists. Then he started talking about Black Liberation Theology. I figured he was just trying to impress me, but suddenly he pulled out his collection of BLT trading cards -- James Cone, Jeremiah Wright, the whole crew. I was, like, Wow! If this guy is just trying to impress me, at least he's done his homework.
Barack: Actually, I also keep a second set of trading cards with conservative church leaders, just in case.
Michelle: He said that? I am so not surprised. When I told him about a great soul-food restaurant I knew, he said his policy was to reject race-specific cuisines, but then he said he would try it out so he could have more information and possibly refine his policy.
Barack: We are the cuisine we've been waiting for.
Michelle: After we ordered dinner, he let on that he was on the mend after a big fight he'd had with an older white woman in a difficult relationship, but he wouldn't say any more than that.
Barack: It was a problematic relationship. She beat me repeatedly until my friends got together and got her to quit.
Michelle: I asked the waiter to take a photo of us, but Barack refused to be in the picture.
Barack: She asked me to wear a silly hat, and I didn't want that circulating on the internet.
Michelle: Around 10, I decided it was time to leave. He seemed a little awkward about whether he should give me a kiss or a hug or a handshake.
Barack: I offered her my phone number. Then, she gave me a little fist bump.
Michelle: Yeah, I did that. Did he tell you he tried to give me a chest bump?
Barack: What? Come on, she knew that was a joke.
Michelle: I'd give the date a 2.5 [out of five]. He made a good first impression, but the more I think about him, the more I wonder if there's anything there.
Barack: I'd give it a 4. I'll probably ask her out again.
********************************************
Update: We checked in a week later. Barack had called Michelle, but she turned him down. She told us she'd decided he was an empty suit. Barack ruefully remarked, "That was not the woman I thought I knew."
Interviews conducted by Pillage Idiot.
Previous: Bill and Hillary go on a blind date.
Here are some real Date Labs: here, here, and here.
July 04, 2008
Fourth of July linkfest
For the Fourth of July, instead of re-posting old July 4 posts, I'm going to bring you a linkfest. OK, I'll re-post one old post, too, but here's the linkfest.
1. While we're appreciating our independence and our freedom, some of our fellow Americans are not. Two years ago, I wrote about one such individual. And this week, a peculiarly repellent column out of the City of Brudderly Lub by a dude named Chris Satullo, who wants to cancel the celebration because "we have sinned." (via Stop the ACLU, via Ace) You already know the rest. No reason to read the column.
2. From last week: At the Seattle Mariners' ballpark, love is dead. (via Baseball Crank)
3. Mars, Saturn, and Regulus are converging in the evening sky.
4. "Police suspect giraffe in circus breakout."
5. Drink to Obama's victory? The tee-shirt.
6. Speaking of Obama, Jennifer Rubin explains his problem with Jewish voters in a single word, er, number: 1973.
7. If you're a white dude in England, whatever you do, don't call a white security guard "Honky!" (via HotAir)
8. Finally: A definition of torture.
9. It's hard to believe, but Maryland is only the 19th most corrupt state in the union. Should be higher.
10. David Wissing says you are what you Google. Anyone who's read my "Visitor of the day" series would have to agree.
11. New York dude moves to Atlanta and finds that "New York style" pizza in the South exemplifies major suckitude, so he returns to New York to "reverse engineer" real New York pizza. (via Fark)
12. Last but not least, for the woman concerned about "pelvic fitness," your own spa. (via HotAir) In case you don't understand, the New York Times article explains: "And now comes the first medi spa in Manhattan wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genital area."
June 24, 2008
Talking with your body
When I was in college, I was always desperate for summer employment. I saw a sign advertising jobs earning over $250 a week, which was a small fortune in those days.
My friend and I went to the meeting where the jobs were discussed. To our chagrin, they turned out to be in sales, which neither of us had the slightest aptitude for, and not just sales but sales of encyclopedias. Door to door.
Yeah, I know, the same nonsense you've read about. Hire a gazillion college students and run 'em through the mill. A few will succeed, and that's all you need for your business. The other ones drop by the wayside.
Unfortunately, my friend and I were pretty naive. We figured we were already there, so why not go through the interviews? Astonishingly, or so I thought, they offered me a position. I spent a couple of hours ruminating about it before I turned them down.
My friend had a better story. When they offered him the job, he asked them how they could possibly have offered it to him before comparing notes with all the other interviewers. The response? "We could tell by your body language."
The two of us, both kind of dorky, later had a bunch of laughs over that answer.
But it turns out that body language is actually a science. And one of the scientists, a former FBI counter-intelligence agent, has written a piece in the Health section of the Post.
I'll give you the short version: Boy meets girl. Boy reads girl's body language. Girl slaps boy's face.
Well, maybe I should phrase it this way: The agent figured out from his friend's wife's body language that things were about to fall apart in his friend's marriage. They did. He (the agent) went on a cruise and watched people in various stages of relationships or attempted relationships show their body language. He wrote about it for the Post.
But there's also a series of drawings to illustrate the common forms of body language. I'll give you an example:
Here's the set, in case you can read it:
What I want to know is what the following body language indicates:
June 23, 2008
Monday mini-linkfest
1. Isn't this always true about men? "Doubts Raised Over Whether Md. Inmate Will be Committed" (Well, that was the headline when I first linked the story, anyway.)
2. Next time you're lost in the Alps and need to be rescued, try attaching your bra to a logging cable line. Especially if it's a size 36 DD. [UPDATE: Regrettably, the bra size has been debunked. Via Ace.]
3. Remember the Obama campaign office with the Che flag? Turns out that the woman who mans that post has been prohibited from talking about it.
4. And speaking of Che and Obama, I realize this has been around the 'sphere, but here's the office of the Ohio judge who overturned the state's death-penalty procedures.
5. We'll soon see, perhaps as early as Wednesday, whether this prediction is right. SCOTUSblog figures out that the Supreme Court's gun-control decision soon to be released in the Heller case is going to be written by Justice Scalia. The blog has a good track record. In April, it correctly predicted that Justice Kennedy would write the opinion in Boumediene, the Guantanamo case.
April 09, 2008
Wednesday linkfest
This is the place where I drop links that I've been collecting but haven't had time to write about while I've been trying to figure out my mother's taxes.
1. From the distaff side of the moronosphere, S.Weasel has a delightful tribute to Charlton Heston. Well, to his buttocks, anyway.
2. Speaking of the moronosphere, check doubleplusundead regularly for his daily roundups, called "around the moronosphere in 80 iq points." I think the Moron-in-Chief was responsible for that name.
3. Since it's tax time, I'd like to bring you this: "Woman Apologizes for Pitbull Attack on IRS Employee." (via TaxProf Blog)
4. Here's the barbecue guy who loves the NoKos. The FBI already knows about him, thanks to his dad. Really. Will there be a place for him as Secretary of State in the Obama Administration? And this: A coincidence?
5. Will you be more in love with your wife if she learns to play poker? This article says you will. It sounds totally asinine to me, because you play poker precisely to be alone with the boys, but there are some other tips for women that sound a little better than that.
6. If you live in Minnesota, your tax dollars are funding what may be a madrassa.
7. Ace writes about a post by a user at Obama's site attacking the Jews. A commenter finds the cached link after the post is taken down.
8. From the Department of Old: "Woman's Lawsuit Claims Bra Injured Her / Victoria's Secret Denies Claims." (via Ace's headlines last week)
9. From the Department of Not So New: Starbucks won't let you customize your card with "Laissez Faire" but will let you use "People Not Profits"? (via Volokh)
10. Child "maths" genius-ette becomes a call girl (with probably NSFW photo) (via Fark)
11. Get your ice cold Mets motivational poster, courtesy of Baseball Crank. Not that I've already given up on them -- that'll take another few days like yesterday.
January 16, 2008
Wednesday linkfest
Some of this is old news, but I've been kind of busy and haven't had a chance to do anything with it. Hence, a linkfest.
1. I know that some people go into public service because they think they do some good. Others go into public service so they can be sued by their alma mater when they leave the government. Some are "fortunate" enough to do both. (via Instapundit)
John Yoo can be forgiven if he's having second thoughts about his career choice. A Yale Law School graduate, the Berkeley professor of law went on to serve his country at the Justice Department. Yet last week he was sued by convicted terrorist Jose Padilla and his mother, who are represented by none other than lawyers at Yale. Perhaps if Mr. Yoo had decided to pursue a life of terrorism, he too could be represented by his alma mater.Another reason for you alumni to donate a dollar to Yale so you can tell them you'll never contribute another dollar after this.
2. You're angry with your boyfriend. Do you (a) have a "talk" with him; (b) make him sleep in the living room; (c) set his car on fire? The correct answer is (c). And then you return to your boyfriend, "telling him that he 'might want to get some marshmallows.'" (via Fark)
3. John McCain goes to a funeral home and makes the oldest joke in the book. But he says his mother is older. (via HotAir)
4. If they tried to keep away from the guy, why are they complaining? "Lawsuit says protesters kept away from Bush during N.M. visit"
5. Fill in your own joke; the commenters at HotAir certainly did: "Kokomo police say a man accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store. * * * A short time later, police found 25-year-old Derrick Kosch at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg. He was expected to have surgery at a hospital."
November 05, 2007
Bill and Hillary go on a blind date
Date Lab
Can Two Type-A Personalities Find Common Ground In Compromise?
7:00 P.M., RED HOT & BLUE
Hillary: I arrived 5 minutes early, because Date Lab told me he was a prominent person. I sat at the bar, where I had plenty of time to discuss the presidential primary season with the bartender. Around 8:30, well into my third White Russian, Bill finally showed up. He glad-handed his way through the restaurant and stopped to speak with nearly everyone in the entire restaurant. I was very unhappy.
Bill: Late? I'd been on the phone with Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, the new president of Argentina, who, by the way, is smokin' hot. Makes my knees knock. I didn't have Hillary's cell phone number.
Hillary: I could see right away that Bill wasn't my type. Physically, I mean. I like men who are a lot thinner, less pudgy, and that reddish nose was a real turnoff.
Bill: Ankles. Huge ankles! Plus, every part of her appearance was fake -- the hair, the face, you name it -- everything except the stuff that I'd like to be fake. She certainly wasn't what I was hoping for.
Hillary: We were finally seated at a table. He ordered a huge rack of ribs and wolfed it down in about five minutes. It was repulsive just watching him.
Bill: Mmmmmmmm . . . huge rack . . . of ribs. Yeah, I was hungry. It was pretty late by then. She didn't have the greatest table manners, either. She kept picking at her food with her fork, taking a look at it, and putting it back on the plate.
Hillary: He spent the whole evening talking about himself.
Bill: She spent the whole evening talking about herself.
Hillary: [Was there any] chemistry? Haaaaahahahahahahahahaha!! The only chemistry that happened was when Bill let loose and it started to smell like sulfur around the table. Pretty juvenile, if you ask me. Other people in the restaurant were staring.
Bill: Is that what she said? Sulfur? Look, I'd had Mexican food for lunch. Sorry. There wasn't anything I could do to stop it.
Hillary: This obviously wasn't going anywhere, so around 10, I told him it was time for me to go home.
Bill: She was starting to get irritating with that awful laugh and that brittle feminist humorlessness. So I didn't mind. Besides, there were a couple of chicks at the bar I wanted to discuss my international relief efforts with.
Hillary: As we left the table, he put his hand on my butt. My butt!
Bill: As we left the table, I put my hand lightly on her back to guide her toward the door.
Hillary: I drove my knee into his groin.
Bill: I actually was going to mention that. Really.
Hillary: I'd give the date 1.5 [on a scale of 5].
Bill: 1.5 or 2. Maybe 2, because the chicks at the bar were niiiiiiice!
**************************
Update: Bill and Hillary haven't spoke since the date.
Interviews conducted by Pillage Idiot.
September 25, 2007
Cheap dates
For women who are wondering how to dress for a first date, you can relax. It's very simple: Be yourself.
Assuming that being yourself involves wearing $500 to $1,000 worth of clothing.
(And that seems to be in 2003 dollars, which is when this article, just now peddled by MSN, first appeared.)
August 22, 2007
The burning question
Understanding the differences between men and women is a continuing process.
You might think it's a stereotype that women talk and men act, but it really isn't. For one thing, science says that "women talk roughly three times as much as men -- about 20,000 words a day to about 7,000 for men." (I'm quoting myself, but that's still science, because I was citing a study.)
For another thing, I'm sure all of you guys can come up with an experience in which you talked on the phone for a half hour to an old friend, and when you were finished, your wife or girlfriend asked, "What did you talk about?" Of course, you immediately replied, "I don't know" or "Nothing." And you really meant it.
If you can't come up with such an experience, try this article in yesterday's Washington Post:
[William] Doherty [a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota] recalls being at a conference with another therapist he knew and the therapist's wife. He knew they were having marital problems and wasn't surprised one evening when he got a call from his friend, who said the wife had thrown him out of the room. Could he spend the night in Doherty's room?It actually may be a good thing in some sense that men are like this. The article says that it's not always a good idea for women to talk incessantly about their problems:
"He came over and we watched TV, talked a bit about sports and went to bed," Doherty recalls. "He didn't owe me any personal revelations about his marriage. Months later, after the couple got back together, his wife told me how pleased he was that I didn't ask him to open up."
According to Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California at San Francisco, the female brain picks up emotional cues, both verbal and nonverbal, more quickly than the male brain. Starting at about age 12, girls put feelings into words more efficiently than boys. The key thing, though, according to Brizendine, author of the controversial book "The Female Brain," is this: Brains learn by repetition. Repeating negative thoughts can make not only the injured party but those around her more, rather than less, distressed and angry.I cited this Brizendine character in the link to myself above, where I quoted her as saying this:
"Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road," said Dr Brizendine, who runs a female "mood and hormone" clinic in San Francisco.Or in the words of Prof. Doherty:
Sharing personal information is the coin of the realm for women's friendships. "Men bond around common interests and occasionally turn to a buddy for help," says Doherty. "Women bond through confidences. A girlfriend will feel hurt if she finds out you had a problem and didn't share it. A guy will say, 'Good, you took care of it.'"This may all seem pretty obvious to you, so why am I reporting it?
The reason is that men and women need to understand each other better. Men have to take the time to listen to their wives or their girlfriends (preferably having no more than one of these at any time), and women need to understand that men are scientifically retarded when it comes to expressing their feelings.
Because if they don't understand each other, it's far more likely that this will happen (via HotAir):
A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.This story raises troubling questions, which the regrettably short article fortunately takes the time to answer. For example:
- What was the ex-husband doing in such close proximity to his ex-wife? Well, it turns out that in Russia, housing's at a premium, and sometimes divorced couple must continue to live together. "The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation."
- Did it hurt? What do you mean, "Did it hurt?" You idiot, of course it did! "'It was monstrously painful,' the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper."
- How did this come about? I'll have to leave that one to the baffled ex-husband. "'I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this.'"
I don't know the answer to that question, just as the man in the story doesn't know what he did to deserve to be the recipient of genitalia flambé, but perhaps you should ask the woman in your life what she thinks about it.
And be sure to listen carefully to what she says.
*****************
Extra: In case the link to the story about the Russian couple should go dead, I want you to have the list of related links given in the article, which alone is worth the price of admission:
RELATED ITEMS
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August 17, 2007
Friday linkfest
I don't really know what to do with these stories, given my August doldrums, so I'm putting them in a linkfest.
1. Public service announcement: If you're a police officer having a tryst at the office on work time, make sure to keep your radio earpiece in. In England, an officer who claimed he was "always poised and ready to respond to an emergency because he had his earpiece in" was acquitted of misconduct in a public office. (hat tip: fee simple)
2. You've heard of gay cars. Well, none of those make this list of cars and what they supposedly say about their owners' love style. (This actually has to be one of the stupidest things I've read in a long time.)
3. Paging Harvey Mansfield: The return of manliness, now known as "retrosexuality." But since it seems to involve hair implants for one's chest, count me out. That sounds painful. On the other hand, this sounds good for me and some other MOTs: "some surgeons say that men are also asserting their manliness through rhinoplasty, or nose jobs, asking for a more pronounced proboscis."
4. The latest in technology: Kosher vending machines. More precisely, a "glatt kosher vending machine that can shoot out a hot knish," as if this were some kind of useful Jewish contribution to American culture. Cuteness component: "The vending machines are called Hot Nosh 24/6." Get it? 24/6? Although the machine is not actually shut off on Shabbat, which is more grist for Noah Feldman's next article. And from the "who cares?" department: This is being financed by "Ruby Azrak, a street clothing magnate who launched Russell Simmons's Phat Farm line," who also "runs the House of Dereon, the clothing line of the singer Beyoncé." (UPDATE: I forgot to include the link to the company's website. You can see some of their press coverage there, too.)
August 09, 2007
Oy, another linkfest
I'm between two short vacation and things aren't allowing me to work on one longish post, so here's another linkfest. No, no, no. Don't thank me.
1. A man uses an internet florist to send his mistress some flowers and asks that the florist not to send him a receipt, which they do, and his wife sees it. (hat tip: fee simple) As they say over at Fark, hilarity ensues.
2. A followup on the story mentioned in yesterday's linkfest about an alliance between jihadis and Mexican drug gangs. (via HotAir)
3. Does the camera at the dressing room make my butt look fat? (via Mary Katharine Ham) Bonus: A video. Super-bonus: The key shot is here:
4. Tip to women from the NY Times: Eat red meat on your first date to make a good impression on your MAN. (via Alarming News) And fetch him a beer while you're at it. A commenter at Alarming News points out that Sloane Crosley, interviewed in the Times article, wrote a piece for the Village Voice that began, "White girls with big asses, man." Just sayin'.
5. Apparently, NASA has revised downward its temperature data, at least for the United States, because of a Y2K bug. Ace discusses. Also read the post at HotAir and the long post at Coyote Blog. What people naturally are puzzled about is why some of the scientists in this area won't release their data. From Ace: "The bug was discovered by someone who took the time to reverse-engineer Hansen's flawed algorithm...."
6. "Hashem saved me," says a former Yeshiva student in Minnesota who survived the bridge collapse. Dude, if I were you, I'd be asking myself why Hashem hurled me off the bridge in the first place.
Originally, I was sure this item was a hoax. The name of the young man is Roman Koyrakh. That's one external and one internal enemy of the Jews. Korach, who led the rebellion against Moses in the wilderness, died when God opened up the earth, which swallowed him up along with his followers. Hmmmm.
But I was wrong, I think. There is a guy named Roman Koyrakh in the Minneapolis area. (Check the middle photo on page 12 of this pdf.) Sure, he doesn't look like a yeshiva bachur there, but that's a 3-year-old photo, and maybe he's become frum.
July 17, 2007
Death of a golfer
I don't play golf.
And when I say "I don't play golf," I mean I don't play golf, unless you count an occasional game of miniature golf in person or an oddly interesting 10-year-old computer game called Sierra's Ultra MiniGolf.
I did once take up a club at the direction of my father-in-law, who was a pretty good amateur in his day, but all I did was hit a few balls down an open stretch of land to test my swing.
That said, I have to admire the exploits of Maurice Flitcroft, who died this spring. There's a charming column about him by Dave Kindred in the July issue of Golf Digest, a magazine that (you will not be surprised to learn) I don't read. There was a copy of the column on the bulletin board in the break room at work.
Flitcroft was the fellow who "crashed" the qualifying round for the British Open in 1976 and shot a 121, which even I know isn't very good for a pro (which he was not):
He was 46 years old and living on Social Security. For that summer's Open, he borrowed the $75 entry fee from his wife, Jean. When the entry form requested information on his handicap, he skipped that part—he'd never played 18 holes—and signed in as an unattached professional.His play caused a stir, as the column explains:
On the first tee for the qualifying round at Formby, Flitcroft aroused suspicion from partner Jim Howard. "After gripping the club like he was intent on murdering someone," the witness told reporters after, "Flitcroft hoisted it straight up, came down vertically, and the ball travelled precisely four feet."The funny part is that Flitcroft kept trying, using assumed names.
However greatly they were offended by the mechanics of Maurice G. Flitcroft, the tweed suits had no authority to rule a man off once he started.
There came what one observer called "a blizzard of triple and quadruple bogeys ruined by a solitary par." Flitcroft's 121 was 49 over par, still the worst score in the Open's 145 years.
He offered an explanation. After bollixing the first tee shot, he abandoned his driver. "I got the 3-iron out and played safe, except I wasn't that great with the 3-iron. I should have used the 4-wood, but I'd left that in the car." Flitcroft added, wistfully, "I was an expert with the 4-wood, deadly accurate."
Flitcroft tried to enter five more Opens but made it past suddenly vigilant R&A authorities only twice—first in 1984 as Gerald Hoppy, a pro from Switzerland. That year he shot 63 for nine holes before officials realized they had another Maurice Flitcroft on their hands. "Imagine their surprise," Flitcroft said, "when they discovered they had the actual Maurice Flitcroft on their hands."Does this mean I'm motivated to try the same thing myself? Hardly. It's just that there's something very appealing about an impostor, especially one who seems quite innocent in his own way.
Here are two obits.
Bonus: Golf Digest has a Q&A section. Now what could a guy like me possibly find of interest in a golf Q&A section? Maybe this: A man asks the female columnist what to do about his girlfriend's golf attire. She wears "hideously tight tops, and her shorts are too short. It's embarrassing." Surely, we're missing some information here, because how many guys don't like it when their girlfriends wear tight tops and short shorts? Certainly, they like it when other guys' girlfriends dress that way, right? I'm so totally not going to speculate.
Now, can you believe this answer from the female columnist?
A My advice is to lie through your teeth and break out your wallet. When it comes to our clothing, the only way to get us to dress differently without hurting our feelings is to use positive reinforcement and trickery. Take your girlfriend shopping under the guise that you want to reward her for her improved golf skills. Help her find something nice to wear, and then keep telling her how good she looks. She's likely to gradually change her style. Whatever you do, never tell her you're embarrassed by the way she dresses. Unless you like sleeping on the couch.I agree with the part about not telling her you're embarrassed, and the part about buying new clothes is OK, but really..."lie through your teeth"? Look, I know you don't answer the "do I look fat" question truthfully, not that I personally would ever have to fib about it, of course. But the real answer is that you should check with your golf buddy's wife or girlfriend. "Do you think what she's wearing is OK?" If the wife or girlfriend doesn't, you can ask her to bring the subject up with your girlfriend.
There. I just flunked the qualifying round to become a Dear Abby-type columnist. Shot a 121.
July 02, 2007
The three-year itch?
I find surveys on marriage (via HotAir) extremely irritating, probably because I'm a big proponent of marriage and the surveys tend to convert description into prescription. Marriages are dicey these days? Well, times have changed and that's just how things are going to be.
Also: Do we really have to know that "new research suggests that the spark may fizzle within only three years?" Even Dr. Ruth says, "How dangerous it is to say something like that . . . . From now on, everyone who's getting married will say it will last three years and then I will have to look for someone else." And the "duh" moment definitely is this: "the Pew survey concluded that 'by providing an alternative to marriage, cohabitation for some appears to diminish rather than strengthen the impulse to legally marry.'"
But this survey is redeemed, in part, by the fact that the study was written by two professors named (and I'm not making this up) Musick and Bumpass. As Dave Barry would say, that would be a good name for a rock band.
July 01, 2007
The Inquiring Photographer: How did you propose?
We know how the Irish propose. And we now know how the British propose:
LONDON (AFP) - Former prime minister Tony Blair proposed to his now wife Cherie while she was cleaning the toilet during a holiday in Italy, according to a new television documentary.So today, the Inquiring Photographer asks:
Cherie Blair told BBC television that the future prime minister popped the question in 1979 as she was tidying a villa in Tuscany before they headed home.
"I'd cleaned the toilet and he suddenly announced when I was on my knees that maybe we should get married," the human rights lawyer told the programme "The Real Cherie Blair," which is to be broadcast Wednesday.
How did you propose to your wife (or how did your husband propose to you)?
"Laura was workin' in the library, and I went up to her, and I said, 'Will you, uh, get, er, will you marry me?' And she said, 'SHHHHHHH!!!'"George Bush
"Which wife?"Rudy Giuliani
"Papa always said a gentleman hasta ask the ladies sittin' on each of his knees to arise before he proposes to his wife."Fred Thompson
"Many people don't realize this, but the Constitution says nothing about marriage proposals. That's why in my conscience I couldn't ask for [15 minutes excised] and we'll certainly look into those questions that have been raised."Ron Paul
"I had a dear friend back in Searchlight -- I think his name was Tommy -- who, tragically, was killed in a car accident. I asked my wife to marry me as we left the funeral home."Harry Reid
"My husband seemed a little unsure whether it was the right thing at the time, so I grabbed him by the nuts and squeezed. I could tell through his shrieks that he was looking forward to it."Nancy Pelosi
"Well, first, I bought her an island . . ."Mike Bloomberg
"Bill wrote me a lovely note on a sheet of his spiral notebook, and he asked Bobby Seale to present it to me."Hillary Clinton
"It was right after we went to get tested for HIV."Barack Obama
"I said, 'Will the gentleman yield?'"Barney Frank
"I looked directly into her eyes and handed her a rock."Mike Gravel
June 05, 2007
Linkfest
It's been a little while, but now it's time for a linkfest.
1. This one's been lazing around in my in-box for a few days, kind of like your dog, who sleeps about 23/7. Cafe Press has removed G-strings and tee shirts for dogs that had pictures of Buddha on them out of possible offense to the Thais, who are acting more and more like Muslims every day. The article notes that "items depicting Jesus and Shiva remained." What a surprise! (hat tip: fee simple) Image and video at this link.
And in case you were wondering, another article on the subject says that "Top underwear designer Victoria's Secret withdraw [sic] bikinis emblazoned with Buddha images after similar protests in 2004." First they came for Muhammed thongs, and I said nothing. Then they came for Buddha thongs. Well, you get the idea.
2. I've been wondering why I've been getting lots of hits lately based on searches for Hillary and plastic surgery. Now I know. (via Hot Air)
3. In case that link isn't stupid enough for you, try this: Another column by Margery Eagan, this time about the wives of Republican candidates for president, with an emphasis on their "ample - and aging - display of decolletage." (also via Hot Air)
4. Speaking of aging, if you think getting older means you can't be a badass dude any more, think again. A guy on a plane starts acting all weird, and a 65-year-old former police commander takes charge, accompanied by a retired U.S. Marine captain of unspecified age. (We can surmise he was not young; the two were referred to as "grandfathers" and he had been married for 42 years, about which more in a second.)
The former police commander:
"I had looked around the plane for help, and all the younger guys had averted their eyes. When I asked the guy next to me if he was up to it, all he said was, 'Retired captain. USMC.' I said, 'You'll do,' " Hayden recalled. "So, basically, a couple of grandfathers took care of the situation."And this is classic. The retired Marine captain's wife of 42 years:
Hayden's wife of 42 years, Katie, who was also on the flight, was less impressed. Even as her husband struggled with the agitated passenger, she barely looked up from "The Richest Man in Babylon," the book she was reading.Guys, that's how you know your marriage is a good one. (via Fark)
"The woman sitting in front of us was very upset and asked me how I could just sit there reading," Katie Hayden said. "Bob's been shot at. He's been stabbed. He's taken knives away. He knows how to handle those situations. I figured he would go up there and step on somebody's neck, and that would be the end of it. I knew how that situation would end. I didn't know how the book would end."
May 06, 2007
Aging boomers' endless introspection
Brought to you by the same folks who used to say, "Don't trust anyone over 30": The New York Times magazine has an issue devoted to aging boomers. Feh! Won't these people ever stop talking about themselves?
I have no intention of reading most of the articles, but I did notice two things. First, there's a short piece with photos of 10 men and women talking about sex at their "advanced" ages: "Ten women and men discuss what sex is like when you're old enough to know better." It's connected to a film called "Naked" by Rachel Dretzin, which you can see clips from here, if you can stand it, which I can't. The two-page spread in the magazine, which is all I'm willing to take in, suggests that normal, happily married couples need not apply. I guess it's "Don't trust anyone over 30 who's happily married."
Second, my old friend, Randy Cohen, The Ethicist, hears from a man whose wife, after 30 years, announces she's not interested in sex any more. The man thinks, OK, fine, I'll get it elsewhere. The woman is angry. The Ethicist actually takes the man to task, but only because of his dishonesty, not (God forbid) his adultery. He should have discussed it with his wife first: "You and she might agree that because she no longer wants sex, you may seek it elsewhere — discreetly, tactfully, striving not to cause her embarrassment. Or she might find this modus vivendi intolerable and, if forced to choose, decide to live apart from you. But you gave her no chance to decide anything." This may actually be a case of "When you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail." Randy Cohen sees it as an ethics problem (as does the man). But the situation really calls for some counseling. Why did the wife make this announcement without discussion? Why did the man not discuss things and just go off and have affairs? There's got to be something going on here that doesn't lend itself to resolution by an "ethicist."
UPDATE (5/7): As Dilbert said this morning, "90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist." Coincidence? You make the call.
May 02, 2007
Thematic linkfest
1. Headline of the Day: "Duck penises show 'arms race' between sexes" (via Fark) You don't actually have to know what that's about, but if you want to know, read Ace's description.
2. Quotation of the Day: "When couples come to me and they are not having sex, the last thing they want to do is examine their relationship. They want to believe that it's nothing to do with their relationship." (via Ace, though I can't remember where exactly)
3. Scary Science of the Day: There's good news and bad news. The good news is that scientists have found a new chemical that seems more powerful than Viagra and comparable drugs. The bad news is that it comes from spider bites. (I got this directly from livescience.com, but amazingly, it's turned up at Ace's, too.)
4. Some of you may remember that a few months ago, after returning from a college visit with my daughter, I put up a moronic post about the experience, and then took it down. Well, in honor of being more or less through with the process, I'm retrieving an unrelated portion of that post -- about the flight home. This is not exactly a link, but it's miscellaneous. Here goes:
If you've ever wondered how painful it must be to be married to me, consider this. We had just recently boarded the flight home tonight, when the flight attendant got on the PA system to ask everyone to put smaller carry-ons under the seat, because the flight was "extremely full." Now, my wife is something of a stickler when it comes to English usage -- though she manages to accuse me of being a pedant. (Note to readers other than my devoted following of intellectuals: a pedant is someone who's unreasonably formalistic about usage, not a man who likes boys.) So the conversation went like this:
Mrs. Attila: "Extremely full?"
Me: Yes. Not only is every seat taken but there are some unusually fat people here.
Mrs. A: Shhhh!
Me: Some of those people are so obese the plane might not be able to get off the ground.
Mrs. A: Shhhh!
Me: We're going to have to take a vote and vote some of them "off the island."
Mrs. A: Shhhh!
And if you think I embarrassed my wife, just imagine how my teenaged daughter felt about being with me.
March 01, 2007
Linkfest of mutant relationships
I think I've said this before, but what I don't like about the Windows Live Beta version of Hotmail is that you end up with a portal that has a bunch of links on it, mostly having to do with relationships and celebrities. So when life gives you lemons, you have to make lemonade.
1. We'll start off with the good news. One of the links I found today was to an article about the best blind dates. But the article was awfully unsatisfying, because the people involved were pretty (how do I say this?) shallow. The first story was about the woman's surprise in finding that the guy her grandmother wanted her to go out with was "drop-dead gorgeous." Wow! A lifetime of happiness always turns on whether your spouse is gorgeous. Just ask the Hollywood cele-babes.
The bad news comes from a parallel article on bad dates. Most articles I've read about bad dates are at least funny. This was pretty pathetic:
“I hadn’t been on a date in a while, so when my friend agreed to set me up with a friend of hers, I really didn’t ask her much more about him than his name and age. Well, once I got to the restaurant, I realized that the guy was an ex-boyfriend of mine! It had been a few years since we dated, but the breakup was pretty bad, and we definitely hadn’t kept in touch or remained friends. It was totally awkward—so much so that we didn’t even have a laugh about it. It was clear that neither of us wanted to continue with the date, so we just sort of said ‘See ya later’ and went our separate ways.”2. If this young couple had been downloading p*rnography on public-library computers, the American Library Association would have defended them to the death. Unfortunately for the couple, they decided to act it out in the stacks. "'Because of the vigilance of the library staff, they were seen by library staff and the police were notified,' [Sgt.] Johns said." The same librarians who protect the public's fundamental right to view p*rnography on tax-supported computers turned these wretches in. Bonus: The town's name is Woodstock. Illinois, though; not New York.
– Kara, 28, Centreville, VA
3. Imagine this: You run a yeshiva in Bedford Hills, a tony community in Westchester County, New York, and you rent the house next door to some chick, who turns out to be running "a place 'where submissives and slaves are immersed in training.'" Somehow, this response is only marginally adequate: "'It's against our religion. It's against the Bible. We've never even heard of such a thing,' said a man who gave his name only as Samuel and said he was a rabbi at the school."
4. Now imagine something a little different: You're the woman who runs a supposedly high-class escort operation -- excuse me, a "high-end adult fantasy firm which offered legal sexual and erotic services across the spectrum of adult sexual behavior" -- and your assets have been seized by the IRS. You're trying to raise money for your legal team, so what do you do? You announce that you're going to sell "the entire 46 pounds of detailed and itemized phone records for the 13-year period." (hat tip: fee simple)
Her attorney, Montgomery Blair Sibley, said that prices have yet to be set for the data. “We don’t actually know that yet,” he said, “because we haven’t finished mining the data to identify the individuals. Obviously if Bill Clinton’s on the list that’s a different matter than you know, somebody nobody’s ever heard of before.”This story was posted at a gossip blog at the site of the new paper Politico.com, and if you want some sophomoric humor, try reading the comments.
But, he said, chances are good that some interesting names will pop up. “Statistically, if you have 10,000 people, and given the structure of this particular service, these weren’t people beckoning from car windows,” he said. “The escorts only responded to four- and five-star hotels or private residences. And so the landlines will show up on the private residences real quickly.”
5. Now, this last item is only barely related, but I'll throw it in for fun. Did you realize that you can "marry [your] ideal person" or "g[e]t pregnant" if you follow the advice of a Japanese self-help book called "Cleaning the toilet to attract luck"? Sounds like a nefarious plot by the women of the world to get the men to undertake this hideous task. But actually, it's not. "'I've always cleaned my toilet every day, so it never really gets dirty,' [a woman who edited a toilet book] said. 'At least it's easy that way and it probably helps keep my family healthy,' she said." So the Japanese toilets may be clean, but they still won't teach their kids to use them.
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