On my 100th

You know, it's always a little traumatic to have a major birthday, and by major, I mean one that makes you suddenly a lot older than you were just a few days earlier.

The first major birthday I had was what we called the "QC" -- or quarter century. I was in law school at the time, and it didn't really bother me, because I had a few other things to worry about.

I've had one or two major birthdays since then, but I want you to know that when I turn 100 and Mrs. Attila is 99, my goal is to drive the wrong way down the highway, with her sitting next to me, because I've never done that before. As I always say, trying new things keeps you young. (Incidentally, the story says that the couple will "probably" be asked to turn in their licenses. Probably?)

And just to clarify my goal for a minute: I want to drive the wrong way down the highway after mooning someone in a restaurant so hard that I broke the glass and injured the part of my anatomy that rhymes with it. (In the story it was a 21-year-old, but anything he can do, I can do better.)

And in case you were wondering: My goal is to drive the wrong way down the highway after mooning someone in a restaurant on my get-away flight after robbing a convenience store while wearing thong underwear. Wearing it not on my "glass," mind you, but on my face. To disguise me.

Why is this my goal?

Because whenever the press talks to a centenarian, they always ask this question: To what do you attribute your long life? And I'm going to borrow a line from Admiral Hargrade, known as "the Admiral" on Get Smart.

When they ask me that question, I'm going to state firmly and without a second's hesitation: "Prunes!"