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June 05, 2008

Flush it


TO: Some guy who shares the men's room with me

FROM: Attila

I don't really know who you are. Given my location, you almost certainly work in a different office. But I do know one thing about you: You are deeply concerned about the environment.

How do I know this? I know because you're trying to save water by not flushing the urinals.

Now, please come a little closer to me so I can whisper something into your ear:


I'm sorry for speaking in capital letters and boldface, but dude . . . .

Let me spell it out for you:

Point 1: Although I'm personally certain that your motivation is pure, everyone else assumes you're just an a**h***. You probably think I'm kidding. But trust me, the rest of them walk in and see what you've left behind and they shake their heads at you for your terrible manners. They think you're an immature little jerk whose mother never taught him to have the slightest regard for others. (Yeah, that's right; I'm talking about your mother.) And they think you probably don't wash your hands, either. I've noticed that people are reluctant to shake hands nearby. I'm sure they're wrong about you. I know you're not a schmuck, just an eco-sensitive kind of guy, like Albert A. Gore, Jr., or Sean Penn, but nobody else does. You're developing a very poor reputation around here.

Point 2: The reality is you're not saving any water. Do you know how I can say this with confidence? Because every single time I walk into the men's room after you, I flush the urinal. Not to get too personal about this, but I flush it whether or not I'm planning to use it. In fact, everyone else but you flushes it. Because no one wants to stand there inhaling your urine. Sure, Gandhi drank his own lemonade, and I'd admire you a little more if you tried to save the environment by drinking yours. But we don't want to partake of yours. It lacks the usual, uh, health benefits for us.

Point 3: Since you probably have never had a relationship with a woman, let me clue you in on something: This will not stand, even if you do. If you've heard that women hate it when men leave the seat up, try leaving her a yellow surprise.

Look, I'm actually trying to help you. Your heart's in the right place. But if you keep refusing to flush, I'm going to rip out that heart of yours and flush it right down with the rest of the stuff.

Thank you for your support.