EXCLUSIVE: Pillage Idiot interviews the late Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

** EXCLUSIVE -- MUST CREDIT PILLAGE IDIOT **


Pillage Idiot has had an exclusive interview with the late Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. The official transcript follows:

PI: Thank you for taking the time to come by my blog, Mr. al-Zarqawi. Or may I call you Al?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: You've had a very busy, very exciting day, and I'm glad you can fit me into your schedule.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Let me start by trying to understand what it was like for you. You were holed up in that safe house up there in Hibhib meeting with your terrorist thug friends. What were you discussing just before the bomb hit?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: No, I'm serious. Surely, you weren't debating olives vs. green pepper vs. onions and extra cheese, right?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: But I thought you didn't eat pepperoni. And yes, I won't call you Shirley. So tell me. As I understand it, first thing was a commotion outside?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: And then what happened?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: What did it sound like? I mean, you had American aircraft flying overhead. And then the bombs falling.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Uh, no, I don't know what a lion sounds like when you squeeze its testicles.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: No, I haven't ever done that myself. And I really don't believe you have, either.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: So you have this loud screaming noise and then what? When did you realize it was an American attack on you?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Look, I don't think you could really see your ass flying up into the air. It was dead of night, wasn't it?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Let me read you something: "The house, and all inside it, was wiped out. However, Jordanian sources last night said Zarqawi did not die instantly. Though mortally wounded, he was alive when Iraqi and US troops arrived on the scene. His brutal reign ended 10 minutes after the bombs fell." Can you comment on this?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: What were you thinking about at that time?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Well, personally, I'm not sure which is worse -- seeing half my abdomen shooting upward at about two-thirds the speed of light or hallucinating that Donald Rumsfeld was making me bend over for him. You tell me.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: I have to say that for a guy who films videos showing off heavy-duty guns and even films beheadings and other atrocities, you're awfully damn whiny about this little inconvenience to you.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Now, let's step back for a minute. We're interested in your operational structure. How closely did you communicate with Osama bin Laden?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: The last time was when?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: After Tora Bora? Wow, maybe outsourcing wasn't such a bad idea after all.

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Sure, you think you'll be able to talk to him again soon, but what good would that do you?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: I see our time has run out. I'd like to thank you again for appearing on this blog. But I have one last question. A lot of us have been wondering. That business about 72 virgins. That's a lie, isn't it?

al-Zarqawi:

PI: Oh, yeah? Well, same to you, buddy.


UPDATE: The video and the remix (courtesy of Allah).

UPDATE (6/9): Jeff Goldstein got a much better interview out of the bastard. Damn!