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May 21, 2006

Naked News - May edition

It's time for another installment of "Naked News," not to be confused with the real naked news. Naked News is an occasional feature of Pillage Idiot, in which we examine news stories involving naked people in strange places, all in a cheap effort to increase site traffic. (By the way, you guys from Egypt, UAE, and Malaysia who got here through searches for "naked news," I have your IP addresses, and I've reported you to your imams.)

Our first news story involves a bank robber, and not just your ordinary run-of-the-mill bank robber. This is a guy who tried to use a creative means of getaway. OK, here's a quiz: You've just robbed a bank. You're outside the bank and trying to figure out how not to be apprehended, because you don't have your own getaway vehicle. Do you: (a) act nonchalant and whistle innocently, (b) put on a disguise you've brought with you for the occasion, or (c) take off all your clothes and hail a cab. If you picked (c) . . . you must have read the name of this post.

As he fled the scene on foot, police say the man shed his clothes before attempting to flag down a passing cab.

When the taxi driver refused to stop for the naked man, police say the suspect streaked on foot toward the Gilmore SkyTrain station.
In case you think this guy's a moron, consider this: There are many potential eyewitnesses out there. If the guy takes off all his clothes, what are people going to be looking at? His face? I don't think so. So unless he's got some identifying feature in a special place, this could easily be a good diversionary tactic. Nevertheless, crime (sometimes) doesn't pay: "Pursing officers tackled him before he reached the station."

Our second news item has some local color, here in Maryland, where the motto of the Maryland Transportation Authority Police is "I'm not gay." Three male strippers are suing the MdTA police for wrongful arrest and for . . .

The police stopped the three men on March 4 for a speeding violation. The men said the officers ordered them out of their sport utility vehicle, forced them to strip and confiscated $10,000 in cash that the dancers said they earned in tips.

The defense claims the officers required the men to strip and pose for full-body pictures. The officers charged the men with misdemeanor drug possession offenses. Baltimore prosecutors confirmed for WBAL-TV that judges later dropped those charges.
Before you start making fun of the strippers for suing over being ordered to remove their clothes, remember it was the police who ordered them to do this. I'm a lawyer, but if I were stopped by the police, it would be embarrassing and intimidating if they forced me to say things like "the aforementioned alleged perpetrator" while they took video and laughed at me.

In the case of the male strippers, it was even worse:

"I feel very violated. Not only did he make us take our clothes off, but before asking me to take my clothes off, he said, 'I'm not gay.' That's very uncomfortable," said Edward Cloyd, one of the three dancers.
What the police officer should have said is, "I am gay." That would have made the strippers much more comfortable.

[UPDATE: The Baltimore Sun reports that police insist this is a publicity stunt, because the notice of claim uses the strippers' stage names: "The men identify themselves as Edward 'Total Package' Cloyd, David 'Pain' Lawrence and Derrick 'Sexecutioner' Williams."]

The final installment of Naked News is not technically a story about naked person, but I think you'll understand why I've included it. It's a pretty gross story, so if you're not ready for it, please click here to go to the next post. (Don't say I didn't warn you.) This story actually reminds me a little bit of my photo comic about the game of "Nut Wrestling," only in this story one person had nuts and the other was nuts. If you're still here, bear with me while I let the others go to the next post.
OK, let's go to it. This is from an "exclusive television interview" with WPVI-TV Action News, at the ABC affiliate in Philadelphia.

A Philadelphia man is recovering from an attack, allegedly at the hands of his wife. The assault on his private parts has become public knowledge. In an interview with Action News after his release from, the 52-year-old victim spoke of his terrifying ordeal.

The 52-year-old Tioga-Nicetown man, who we are identifying only by his first name of Howard, arrived home late Wednesday, hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands. Surgeons at Einstein successfully managed to repair the damage.
Now, before we go on, let's analyze this news story, all right? We learn that there was an "assault on his private parts" and that his wife "allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands." Now, just what are they talking about? Well, I think you can figure this one out through the process of elimination. Do I have to spell it out? "Two parts of his genitalia" -- well, how many parts do you think he had in the first place, and which two do you think she tore off?

OK, enough of the Socratic method. Here's "Howard" himself explaining what happened:
Howard says his 40-year-old wife Monica, who he says is bi-polar, somehow conceived the notion that he was cheating on her. So while he was asleep last night, she attacked him.

Howard: "I mean she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails."
This may be a little sick, but it reminds me of those skits on Saturday Night Live about 1984 or 1985, with Christopher Guest and Billy Crystal as Willie and Frankie, the messengers who compare the pain they inflict on themselves. Only "Howard" had a little help.

(First two stories via Fark, third via Drudge.)