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October 16, 2007

Grand larceny or petty theft?

In the latest survey conducted by the UN Commission on Fraudulent Schemes, a matter about which the UN is well versed, 87.9% of the GDP of Nigeria is attributable to fraudulent emails sent to the U.S. about a mysterious rich Uncle Mopo who died, leaving more than $25 million in a secret account.

This is why I found it quite surprising that there was any free time for a woman in Nigeria to steal her boyfriend's member. (via Fark)

That's his story, anyway. I suspect he simply misplaced it. I'd look in the change drawer, myself.

I have to tell you that I feel a little uncomfortable discussing this story at all, but I'm linking here it in order to respond to readers who have been hounding me with identical form emails written by the Democratic National Committee that read, "How come you've never written about stolen male organs? Do you 'HATE THE CHILDRENTM'?"

No, I don't hate the children. I just think that we have to address the problem of stolen members, preferably with a hugely expensive government program, or else we're not going to have any children in the future, and if we let that happen, we'd only be proving Mark Steyn right, which I know you don't want to do.

Anyway, back to the story. I've heard tales of Africans who suffered shrunken members after shaking hands with some mysterious person -- this article describes the situation well -- but it rarely is the victim's girlfriend.

An Abuja-based beer palour owner called Grace Igbian has been accused by her lover Kingsley Ulame of 'stealing' his sexual organ. They had been dating for an exteded period of time and they last stayed and slept together for 29 days before he travelled home to see his family in Benin, Edo State. But instead of enjoying his stay with his family, Ulame said he started having problems with his organ. He noticed that he could not have an erection. According to him, his organ stopped functioning and he was frightened that it may result to impotence.
You know what they say about the first time you can't do it twice and the second time you can't do it once. More seriously, this story raises a troubling question: Why did he need an erection when his was visiting his family? I'm frankly afraid to ask.

But this story gets grizzly pretty fast.

Ulame insisted that Igbian had at a point threatened him that he will never regain use of his organ unless he has intercourse with her again. * * * Ulame loudly accused her of stealing his manhood and started demanding for it and called his friends and brothers who pleaded with her to return. He resorted to beating her, eventually wounding her.
When Igbian reported this to the police, her situation got even worse.
According to her, the Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Airport Division, Assistant Superintendent of Police, Peter Thazilza invited a herbalist called Haifa, a Fulani woman who thereafter claimed that Igbian had indeed stolen Ulame's organ. Subsequently, Igbian said she was forced to have sex with Ulame by the DPO in his office, because they wanted the man to 'regain his manhood'.
That's really, truly sick if you ask me.

I'm sorry to end here on a downer, but I suppose in some way that's appropriate.

(Previous: here, here, here, here, here, and here.)