President Hillary

I've had some seriously conflicting emotions at the announcement this weekend that Hillary has been pre-elected to be our 44th president.

On the one hand, it will cause untold harm to my beloved country.

On the other hand, it will be pure 24-karat comic gold for at least four years.

At Pillage Idiot, I've done very little with her, because, quite frankly, she's not very interesting as a senator. One short, one-frame photo comic is the only thing that comes to mind, and it's really the photo itself that's funny, and not my voice bubbles.

But long before Pillage Idiot was even a figment of my imagination, at a time when Hillary was a part of the most ethical administration in American history -- at least the most ethical administration ever elected during the 1990s -- there was plenty of material. I'm going to share a little of it here.

Back in 1993, after Vince Foster's body was discovered in Fort Marcy Park, I wrote a song about it.

Homicide (to the tune of "Yesterday" by the Beatles)

Homicide.
They were there the day Vince Foster died.
Dropped him at Fort Marcy Park and lied --
They claimed it was a suicide.

Felonies --
Nussbaum wouldn't let the Park Police
Take a look at Foster's diaries.
He sent them off to Hillary's.

I know there will be a disclosure -- they can't hide.
They will have to admit that it was a homicide.

Homicide.
All the White House staff is petrified,
But the ugly truth can't be denied.
The people know it's homicide.

I know there will be a disclosure -- they can't hide.
They will have to admit that it was a homicide.

Homicide.
All the White House staff is petrified,
But the ugly truth can't be denied.
The people know it's homicide.

Then, in Spring 1996, there were serious rumors going around that Hillary was about to be indicted for her actions in the Whitewater scandal. I came up with a series of questions and answers about the impact this would have on the '96 campaign.

Q There have been many rumors recently that there will soon be indictments in the Washington phase of the Whitewater investigation. Newsweek has even speculated that the indictments could include Hillary Clinton. Tell me, if Hillary is indicted, what will the Clinton reelection slogan be?

A "Buy one, set one free."

Q No, seriously.

A "My husband went to Washington, and all I got was this lousy ankle bracelet."

Q No, I mean it.

A "Gore in '97."

Q What will the close associates of the President be known as?

A Felons of Bill.

Q How will the indictment affect the campaign?

A The President will ask her to change her name back to Rodham.

Q What will Hillary say in an interview when asked why she spent so much time on the Health Care Task Force?

A "I wasn't going to stay at home and make license plates."

Q How might this scenario come about?

A Jim Guy Tucker/Sings for his supper.

Q If Hillary is allowed to make one phone call, how will she respond when asked who she called?

A "I have no present recollection of a phone call."

Q What will the made-for-TV movie about this saga be called?

A "Down the Whitewater and Up the River."

Q If the Washington Post made the movie, what would it be called?

A "An Innocent Explanation."

Q If Hillary has adopted a child, what will happen to the kid?

A The village will raise it.

Q Speaking of which, what will Hillary's book on prison life be called?

A "White House Reunion."

And if a twerp like me was able to do that, think how much fun real comedians will have with her. It's just too bad the country won't survive.