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October 19, 2008

Andrew Sullivan chats with Larry King

This is Larry King. Tonight we chat with Andrew Sullivan, blogger extraordinaire, a conservative intellectual who's broken with the Bush Administration and is now supporting Barack Obama. Andrew, I'm . . .

Larry . . . Larry . . . LARRY! . . .

Andrew, are you having trouble hearing me?

Larry . . . Larry King . . . if that's your real name, which it's not . . . may I call you Lawrence Zeiger?

Andrew, we're on the air.

It's just like Joe the Plumber. Who's a Karl Rove plant and a total liar and fraud.

Andrew, tell us about what you've learned in covering that story.

Joe the Plumber. He isn't a plumber. His first name isn't Joe. And I guarantee you – guarantee you – that his middle name isn't "the."

That's a big story, Andrew . . .

The Holy Roman Empire wasn't holy; it wasn't Roman; and it wasn't an empire.

Can you tell us more about this big story about the plumber?

Larry, it's the biggest story since Sarah Palin refused to make her medical records public to show whose baby Trig really is. If she'd just disclose those records, we could all stop making s*** up about it.

You've written about that in your blog on the Atlantic Monthly magazine site.

The Atlantic Monthly isn't a magazine; it isn't monthly; and it's more like the Titanic than the Atlantic.

You've written about the Palin medical records . . .

The New York Giants football team doesn't play in New York; they aren't even big, let alone giant; and they don't play real football, like the British clubs.

The Palin medical records?

Larry . . . Larry . . . talk to the nostrils.

Andrew, we're going to have to take a break here.

Talk to the nostrils, Larry.

[commercial break]

Andrew Sullivan is with us, live from Washington, where he's on furlough from St. Elizabeth's Hospital. Andrew, speaking of hospitals, what about Governor Palin's medical records?

Larry, she just won't release them, even though it might clear up that Trig's father – if that thing actually has a father – was not Mark Foley.

Mark Foley? I thought he played on your team.

Christianist bigots like you, Larry, think gay men can't possibly make it happen with an attractive woman. That's a lie.

Christianist? Uh, Andrew, I'm actually . . .

And I know that a supposedly straight guy like you could make it happen with a stud like me. Let's talk after the show, Larry.

Andrew, please, let's move on. In December 2001, you wrote a piece for the New York Times arguing that Al Qaeda had made a big mistake in attacking us on September 11, and I quote: "[T]he one incontrovertible fact of post-Sept. 11 America is that civilization can clearly, ruthlessly defend itself. Call that the reverse idea of the World Trade Center massacre: the idea that, when mortally threatened, freedom can fight back. And that's an idea that will last much longer than the dark 'brilliance' of Osama bin Laden." Very moving. But lately, you've been toying with the idea that the government itself may have targeted the World Trade Center and Pentagon.

Not our government, Larry. Another government, if you catch my drift.

Another government?

Yeah, Larry, you've heard of the Mossad, right? Well, get this. It's well known that 70-something Jewish guys, like you, are always slicing the old kosher cheese. Right? Trust me, it's well known.

Always slicing . . .?

Playing the kazoo from out their arses. Well, just imagine this. The rumor's not true that the Jews stayed home from work on September 11. No, what the Mossad did was they got a large number of old flatulent Jewish guys like you over at Building 7, where they all ripped a whole bunch of fragrant ones – mind you, I'm just airing this theory – kind of like how those old guys were just "airing it," too. Heh. Well, when the huge cloud of methane gas had built up sufficiently, it took only a single match to bring the whole building down.

Andrew, you're saying that some eruptions from a bunch of alter kockers caused Building 7 to fall?

Just airing it, Larry.

I haven't heard that theory before, and I . . .

Talk to the nostrils, Larry!

All right, Andrew, we're about out of time.

The nostrils!

Thanks for being with us, Andrew. Next week, our guest will be Michelle Obama and her two adorable daughters. Our topic will be how awed they are by the sheer greatness of their father.