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November 15, 2006

Nancy Pelosi rearranges the House

Gentlemen, I've asked you to participate in this meeting, because I'm stunned -- I'm stunned at the depth and the breadth of our victory. So stunned, in fact, that I can't get my eyebrows back to their normal position.

Which also may have something to do with that quack who gave me my last Botox injection.

For starters, I just got my ass kicked by Steny Hoyer. Big frickin' deal. Most of the problem was Jack's baggage, and I don't mean the baggage he wears out in front, which makes him look like the Pillsbury doughboy right after he and Hinckley were released from St. Elizabeth's. Screw that! Let's get on to business.

We gonna talk about impeachment?

Hold on, John, 'cause we've gotta deal with committees first.

Yeah, but we gotta take it up right away, 'cause we ain't gettin' re-elected if we don't up an' impeach that mutha.

Wait a goddamned minute, John. No one's going to impeach Murtha, not while this Marine's heart is still beating. I won't --

Shut up, Jack, you moron! He said "mutha" -- if you can get that through your fat honky ol' head.

Wouldn't mind impeachin' that fat ol' Murtha eitha. Damn ethics s--- gonna put us in the red before we even get to the new session.

No, John, you told this old Marine you were gonna support him for majority leader. You changed your mind, and people just don't change their minds while this Marine's heart is still beating, and --

S---, Jack, you gotta stop that "Marine's heart beatin'" s---. And Nancy, I agree with John about impeachment.

And you know a little something about impeachment, right, Alcee?

Shut your face, little Jew boy, 'fore I come over and shut it for you.

Guys, cut it out! We have to get our act together, because the voters won't give us much time. They'll get tired of us before I can even lower my eyebrows.

Alcee talks a big game, but he doesn't know Jack s--- about putting together a well run majority operation.

You better take that back, Henry. As long as this Marine's heart is still beating, no one's going to call me "Jack s---!"

Jack! S---, that's not what he meant. Can we get down to business, please? It's time to name committee chairs.

Nancy, don't we need to wait for Steny?

If we must. Where is he, anyway?

Sorry I'm late, Nancy. Just checking out your office.

UPDATE: Heh. Tony Coelho: "If Nancy does poorly, that hurts Hillary. That's really unfair, but that's what everyone thinks. That's reality. To help Hillary, Nancy has to be perceived as an effective leader and she's had a terrible start. It was just an awful first week."

UPDATE: WuzzaDem: Hoyer and Pelosi exchange "greetings."