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May 02, 2006

Yale and Harvard head toward nuclear confrontation

Harvard was founded in 1636, Yale in 1701. The competition between the two schools, therefore, can be dated to, oh, about 1701.

In 1968, at "The Game" -- the annual Harvard-Yale football game -- Yale was ahead by 29-13 with less than 11 minutes left. Harvard rallied to tie the game at 29-29. The famous headline in the Harvard Crimson was "Harvard Wins, 29-29."

But all that is ancient history, what with the new high-stakes competition between the schools.

Yale's Move: Consistent with its lawsuit challenging the Solomon Amendment for forcing the university to allow military recruiters on campus, despite the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that keeps admitted homosexuals out of the military, Yale decided to enroll as a student the former spokesman for the Taliban, the well known gay-rights group in Afghanistan, which, by the way, is very fond of statues.

Harvard's Counter-move: Harvard's alumni association scheduled a guided tour of North Korea, which included a visit to a different statue, and gave some advice to participants:

"Demonstrations of respect for the country's late leader, Kim Il Sung, and for the current leader, Kim Jong Il, are important," instructs the Harvard Alumni Association's tour memo.

"You will be expected to bow as a gesture of respect at the statue of Kim Il Sung and at his mausoleum."

Harvard even tries to pretend that bowing down to thugs is perfectly normal - explaining that it's because "North Korea, like every country, has its own unique protocols."

Yale's Move: Yale decided to invite Juan Cole, a mainstay in the anti-Israel Middle East Studies Association, to take a tenured position at the university.

Harvard's Counter-move: Harvard professor Stephen Walt co-authored a study proving that the Joooooos control American foreign policy: "Other special-interest groups have managed to skew foreign policy, but no lobby has managed to divert it as far from what the national interest would suggest, while simultaneously convincing Americans that US interests and those of the other country – in this case, Israel – are essentially identical."

And in the near future? What's next?

Yale's Move: The Yale Alumni Association will offer a tour of the Jenin refugee camp, meetings with Hamas leadership, and a tour of the Palestinian museum commemorating the terror bombing of Sbarro's pizza in Jerusalem.

Harvard's Counter-move: Harvard will offer "Rachel Corrie" scholarships and financial aid to would-be suicide bombers to encourage them to use diplomacy, rather than violence, to exterminate Israel. Should the incentives fail, the scholarships and financial aid will go to remaining family members.

Yale's Move: Yale will invite Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to serve as Dean of Admissions, in the hope that Yale can increase its diversity and the percentage of its students who want to destroy Israel and the United States from its current paltry 43%. In return, Iran will provide Yale with nuclear technology.

Harvard's Counter-move: Harvard will offer A.Q. Khan the presidency of the university. In return, Khan will provide Harvard with nuclear technology.

Meanwhile, at the U.N.: Alarmed by this nuclear proliferation at top American universities, Kofi Annan will call for Israel to open its facilities to U.N. inspectors. (Israel will prepare a festive meal for Mohammed al-Baradei, figuring he is the last man in the world to do anything about nuclear weapons.)

Yale's Move: Yale will accuse Harvard of plagiarism in its public statements insisting that its nuclear technology is intended for peaceful uses. Yale will offer a side-by-side comparison of Yale's and Harvard's lies in this regard to demonstrate the similar language. Harvard will refuse to issue an apology.

Harvard's Counter-move: Harvard will challenge Yale to a game of nuclear football, which will end in mutually assured destruction. And no one will care.