Chinese Walking Ladies disease

I need to speak to you.

I need to speak to you if you were taking a leisurely stroll this morning down the Capital Crescent Trail, talking to your friend or spouse, while I was on my bike ride. When you hear a bell sound coming from behind you, that is typically a polite warning, a courteous way of saying, "Would you please, please, please, GET YOUR FAT LARDBUTT OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE TRAIL?" I can't understand why you won't move when I ring. Why do you think I'm ringing? To show off ("Look at me!")? To say, "Have a lovely morning?" No! I'm ringing because I hope you'll show me the courtesy of letting me pass by without risking life and limb. Besides, you'll burn more calories by taking a couple of steps to the right instead of just staying put.

This is a hiker-biker trail, and since you apparently have difficulty with that, let me explain: A hiker is someone who's walking (you); a biker is someone who's riding a bike (me). We have to share the trail. So if you and your friend take up the entire downtown side of the trail by walking side-by-side, where am I supposed to go? Directly into the stream of traffic coming uptown?

I can't believe you're doing nothing because you can't hear my bell. You look too young for that. I ring the bell over and over until I start to feel as if I'm being rude -- or as if I'm talking to teenagers. And it isn't just you. It's about three-quarters of the people I needed to ring at this morning. I fear an epidemic of the dread Chinese Walking Ladies disease.

You remind me of an old joke, which I first heard many years ago as an ethnic joke. We don't do ethnic humor here at Pillage Idiot (Jewish jokes only, and even those can't be mean-spirited), so I'll have to tell it without the ethnic identification.

A scientist who's not known for his intelligence is working on an experiment to see if there's a link between the number of legs a frog has and the frog's hearing ability.

He puts a frog on the ground and says, "Jump!" The frog jumps 16 feet. The scientist writes down, "Four legs, jumps 16 feet." The scientist cuts one leg off, puts the frog down and says, "Jump!" The frog jumps 11 feet. The scientist writes down, "Three legs, jumps 11 feet." The scientist cuts another leg off, puts the frog down and says, "Jump!" The frog jumps 6 feet. The scientist writes down, "Two legs, jumps 6 feet." The scientist cuts yet another leg off, puts the frog down and says, "Jump!" The frog jumps 2 feet. The scientist writes down, "One leg, jumps 2 feet."

Finally, the scientist cuts the last leg off, puts the frog down and says, "Jump!" The frog just sits there. "Jump!" The frog sits there. "I said, 'Jump!'" The frog doesn't move.

The scientist writes down, "No legs, frog becomes deaf."